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Old 02-20-2011, 11:35 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Just because a person hasn't had sex in a while doesn't make them celibate. To be celibate is a choice one makes.

Celibacy is defined in the dictionary as the "abstention of sexual relations," and to abstain means "to hold oneself back voluntarily". You're not really celibate -- you're solo, available (correct?), and just haven't gotten any in a long time. I always think changing one's perspective helps.

I think, of course, it's good to have the "poly talk" soon after you meet someone, but not always before the first date. At least for me, I prefer to enjoy someone's company, see how I feel about them before talking about the parameters of what kind of relationship they should expect. That seems a little presumptuous to me. Because I know I can enjoy dating without expectation, and one never knows where that may lead. The surprising thing is that sometimes the guys I date mention non-monogamy before I do, and they are not part of the poly community. I think it's "in the air" and the wave of the future, so to speak. Additionally, when I do bring it up, I don't always see the need to use the word "polyamory." I talk in terms of exclusivity, and that I'm not looking for that. For some reason, that word is less threatening and makes the most sense to people just dating.

HTH!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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