Thread: Greetings
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Old 04-30-2009, 07:40 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723
Default finally got to this....

I don't get a chance to read these too often but am kept up to date and discussions abound around what is said on this forum between my partners and I... thanks for that... so much to learn and talk about.

Here is my opinion for what it is worth... please realize that I obviously don't know Quath's story and the subtle nuances that make up your relationship, so take what you will and leave the rest from what I am about to say.

It seems to me that your relationship is lacking some kind of vision. Some kind of goal to work towards within this journey you are on. Of course this would have to revolve around care and respect for each other. Without greed and selfishness. Within the practice of good compersion and as someone said before, practicing radical honesty. The way that people come together in poly is different and they might have different boundaries and rules, but the core is the same (the last sentence reflects the poly core to me). Where is this core in your relationship with Quath? It needs to be figure out first before adding layers around it, like an onion. It worries me that Quath seems to want to start with the outside of the onion and work in. Start with a relationship and then fill in the onion underneath it. The onion would then be hollow and flimsy and with lack of fidelity and substance. I don't see that working out. Of course it depends on how deep your love is... then you might already have the necessary core and it is a matter of peeling it away to remind yourself that you do love each other. If your love for one another is indeed deep and forever then peeling that onion is a good reminder of that and will bring you both strength when he goes out to find other loves. I would hope, having REALLY gotten to the core of your onion together that he isn't being selfish and in "let me cheat above board" mode. I also hope you are not the type to suck it up and let him go out to look for a relationship with someone without forcing the onion to be peeled first... I'm sorry but in these cases I think you are doomed...

I'm sorry to sound harsh but experience has taught me in this poly life I lead that to not say it like it is, put myself our there and sometimes be blunt means things are left unsaid and growth doesn't happen. Growth is good and so is change. Whatever happens it will all be for the best for both of you.

I recently went through an onion peeling process with my husband actually. It's very fresh for me (still crying over onions LOL), which is why I have such a strong opinion.

He had meet a woman on line that I had met the boyfriend of. We decided to all meet and see if there was any connection. For my husband there was an instant connection. I also saw potential to have a friendship with both of them and perhaps be lovers with both. I am now lovers/friends with the man which is not really significant to this story.

My husband pursued the woman for a time, all the while falling deeper and deeper in love. At one point she didn't call him back and he was desperately hurt. I could see that she didn't feel the same way and said so so he decided to back out and not talk to her... somehow they started up again and it got more and more intense. He asked me not to spend time with her, as I had her in my life too through her man. This was when I started to really worry. He didn't want to tell me about how he felt also. Essentially he was "cheating above board" in my eyes. He still hadn't told her that he was in love with her and I suggested he better tell her. I was right, she didn't feel the same way. My husband was devastated.

All along I was uncomfortable with this woman and the situation. I was angry, jealous, and a whole slew of other things also. The whole thing didn't sit right with me from day one and I thought I had to sit and take it because this is what he wanted.

One afternoon our onion peeled over this. We got to the very core of our relationship and found ourselves in a place where we could break up or move forward and re-peel our onion. We decided that we were still loving one another and moved forward from there having learned several lessons (1. always involve yourself in your lovers life with others, 2. go with your gut always, 3. we now always reserve the right to put a stop/pause to each others relationships when we are uncomfortable or not getting our needs met or our families needs... they always come first, and 4. it may hurt like hell, but never stop talking for whatever reason... silence is death). He broke it off with her at my request and hasn't seen her since.
My advice to you?
go peel your onion
get all the shit out on the table and see what you've got to work with
make some rules and boundaries for each other.
then make a plan and act on it.
avoiding all this will lead no where and make Quath more desperate to get on it. He will then (I predict, again from experience) take matters into his own hands and cheat on you, or force the issue, or leave you... you gotta give a little to get what you need.

It sounds like you have made a decision that you are not willing to live a poly life (I find the puppy ironic as you get to love it ? and your husband doesn't have his own "puppy" to love ? ... hmmmm ... not thinking of the sex of course! which apparently is 90% of a poly relationship? LOL another topic I won't get into now).... so TELL him. Open the door to conversation and compromise if you can. He will then have to decide to stay or not if you are not willing to budge.... 6 years of waiting might just be too much for him, or maybe he doesn't think losing all he has is worth it, but please be respectful and honest enough to tell him your truth. For both of you.

Last edited by redpepper; 04-30-2009 at 08:03 AM.
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