Originally Posted by Magdlyn
He used to deny he ever felt anything for anyone else. He lied, just to try and make me "behave." Once we finally started exploring being poly, he admitted to imagining sex with every attractive woman he saw...
So, we wasted decades denying those kinds of feelings, lying, hiding, pretending. Lots of "mono" people aren't really mono, they are just acting the way they think they are supposed to act, and because they can't deal with jealousy.
I kind of wonder what really makes someone mono though? Is it not having any sexual thoughts/desires aimed at other people if you are in a happy committed relationship, or is it having those thoughts/desires but putting more value on sexual fidelity than on entertaining those thoughts? Is jealously really the only thing keeping people who claim to be monogamous from acting on their sexual thoughts toward others? Because I certainly have sexual thoughts about other people than my husband, and I know he does too. That's never bothered me, though I know a lot of friends who have heard him or me say something to that affect in their presence act like we should be bothered. You know "the list" that some couples have of 10 or so celebrities they are allowed to sleep with? Our lists don't seem to have an end, and we enjoy talking to each other about who is on our lists. Does that make us both poly, even though we are struggling with a lot of new emotions as we open up our relationship? A number of people here, whether mono or poly, have described it as an orientation rather than a choice. My husband has said that the more he learns about and tries polyamory, the more he feels like it *is* his orientation. The trouble is, I kind of feel like I can't hear the "real me" under all the turbulent emotions I'm feeling caused by what feels like a really big change to our relationship.