R or "How I Became The Other Woman"
R met his GF in High School, around the same time we met. I was dating his best friend at the time. He was shy, reserved. I payed him absolutely no attention, but his best friend, my boy friend, insisted we be nice to each other.
Then he started seeing his GF. We all had to tell them they were together, neither of them know the day they "made it official". They both just agreed to our badgering. I look back now and know we just wanted the drama of another relationship.
A few years go by, and it seems that theirs is the only sexless relationship among us. R and I spent a lot of time together, most me gripping about one thing or another pertaining to my boyfriend. We became friends, I began to love him. I didn't think it was possible to love him when I thought I loved my BF, so I took the most logical step at that point to me, having already cheated on my BF several times. We kissed. I loved it. I loving hanging with him. But although he said he felt things for me too, he didn't want things to go further.
A few more years go by. R and I have short week or two long periods when we kiss and hold hands and allow ourselves to love. Every time I get scared, every time I back off.
Eventually we have sex, just once, and I pulled away completely, cut off all contact with him because of "some other, unrelated thing".
I get married, though I knew I shouldn't have. I cheated in the days leading up to the wedding. I told him, maybe looking for an out, but he said he wanted me to be his wife. I brought up being poly once or twice, not that I was really ready for it then. He almost agreed once, but it didn't change my cheating.
R didn't come to the wedding. He said he knew it wouldnt last and that it didnt mean anything to me. I hated him for that. Though now I know its because he echoed what I felt but could not say.
R and I continued to fool around, though not as often. We didn't have sex again for a long time, after my first marriage broke up and I started to see John. John and I were open from the beginning, so I was free, on my end at least, to see R as i wished.
I still kept my distance, afraid of all sorts of things I couldn't name. A few weeks, a random night here and there, I told him I loved him and backed off almost as quickly as I had jumped to his arms.
Over a year ago, R called me, rather late at night, and said he wanted to really to be lovers again. And that HE wanted to control when the relationship ended. If that was once or a few weeks, or whatever.
I took a few months to respond to that request. Making sure I could handle the stress of that possibility - loosing control. I finally consented. He had given up hope of the prospect, but we made love again that night and we have considered ourselves lovers ever since.
Last summer, R's GF found out about our relationship. She was upset, but didn't flip. Her only consensus was daily sex to him for about a week, then it was back to the once a month of the previous two years.
R's GF is polite to me, offers me trips to the mall and friendship, but I am uncomfortable around most females, especially since I don't know if she knows.
I love R, I know he loves me. I also have always been secure knowing that for whatever reason, him and his GF were always going to be together.
He is talking of leaving her. I'm terrified of that transition.
Why does it have to be this way? Why does he have to choose? He has said before that he loves her, and obviously there is some ambivalence on her part as to his sexual relations. I wish I could discuss this with her. I wish I could join her, actually be friends, and help her love him.
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband
M - John's girlfriend