Originally Posted by Derbylicious
Try not to compare what they have to what you have with him. It sounds to me that poly isn't the issue here although it might have surfaced some things that were there already. Find some time to talk things through with him and start dealing with the issues that are causing fights between the two of you.
Originally Posted by redpepper
It could very well be that a triad with her is not going to work. That is totally fine. They quite often don't when approached by way or a couple wanting a unicorn to fulfill their needs. I don't know how you all started off but they seem to work better when there is a friendship before and unexpectedly love between three emerges.
There is not shame in you not loving her the same way as him and him not loving her the same way as you. Or even him not loving you the same way as him... love is not balanced and relationships are not balanced...what is, or should be balanced is time and energy and commitment to doing what you say you will do (integrity). The rest is kind of an interesting emergence of what fate has in store for you all.
It sounds like in your case your NRE between three of you is ending and a new phase is starting... so what will you do next while they start a relationship of two? What kind of goals do you want in terms of your relationship with him? What will you request of them to ensure that your needs are being met while they establish their relationship? What moves will you make to develop your friendship with her? What are your personal goals...
My point is that you can't fit a square peg into a round hole and if they are getting along dandy and you aren't fitting the equation any more, then maybe a shift needs to happen...
Jealousy, like sadness is an emotion.
Can you "overcome sadness" and never feel it again?
If you love someone, does that mean they will never bring out sad feelings in you again? (or vice versa)
Those two questions are obvious-but you can put jealousy in where sadness is written and the fact is, the answer is the same. It's a part of life these emotions we experience.
What is important isn't STOPPING our emotions. If you stop feeling one emotion, you are going to severely limit your ability to feel ANY emotions.
The key is to understand that how you choose to BEHAVE and REACT to your emotions is a CHOICE. You can choose to take the emotion as a sign that you need to take care of yourself in some manner. You can choose to take it as a sign that you need to lash out or blame others. Which one seems more productive when you aren't in the heat of the moment? Obviously the latter.
If we hold ourselves ACCOUNTABLE for reacting to our emotions in the way that we already know is more productive (for us and everyone else) even when we are in the heat of the moment-we'll get a lot further in life.
THIS is a reasonable goal. Deleting emotions-not so much.
As for the triad, love is infinite. So him loving her in differing ways than he loves you is moot. You loving her as a friend and not a spouse-again, it's moot. If that's how you love her, as a friend-then love her as a friend to the best of your ability. If you love him as a spouse-then love him as a spouse to the best of your ability.
Last but not least--
if you really want to get those emotions to settle some-
YOU are your own primary-so LOVE YOU the best you possibly can (I got that from RP).