Originally Posted by YGirl
It's probably a good thing that you have the triad. Normally, I'd say that it's not a good idea to add more people if you haven't worked out the already existing issues in your marriage or "primary" relationship - but in your case it appears that you have become complacent regarding certain things and the new interpersonal dynamic has brought out some opportunities to work on these issues and hopefully grow from the experience and become a better person.
You are semi-correct, I suppose, in this... I've already said to both of them, and to a few close friends, that I've been forced to recognize things I hadn't had to see when I was the center of his universe. However, to characterize those things as "existing issues" in my marriage is definitely incorrect. They are existing issues within my own head.
Whilst it is true that he and I have always had very different sex drives, I had gotten to a point where I didn't see that as being about me anymore. Initially I did. We have the very complicated history of having broken up several times in our first year together - mainly because he wasn't emotionally ready for me, but at the time it was made to be about the sex not being very good. I was not terribly experienced, fairly insecure, and just to make it even more fun, almost all of my previous sexual experience was with my first boyfriend, who, as it turned out, was desperately trying not to be gay. He was very specific in what he wanted in bed, and what he wanted was *not* what most men want. I kept believing it was something that could be worked through, but he believed that you either had the skills or didn't. Eventually, he got to a point where he realized he simply didn't care... he loved me and sex with anyone else was no longer fulfilling, no matter how good it was. Not long after that, and I'm sure in part because he'd made it very clear that he wanted me regardless, we were out drinking and it lowered my inhibitions, and suddenly I was far more comfortable in my own skin, and we turned a major corner where sex was concerned (and the booze was only required that one time, after that I was far more relaxed and confident).
However, there were times, early on when living together, where I wondered if maybe he'd "settled" sexually, and the lower sex drive wasn't a result of that. Ultimately, he convinced me that this wasn't the case.
At the start of this year, about a month before we met our GF, he had a bit of a sex drive renaissance. Well, more than a bit. We were having sex four or five times a week, which we had NEVER done, even early in our relationship when everything was new. When we met her (online, initially), this continued, and we even went 17 days in a row and joked about a streak. I am sure some of this was fueled by NRE, even though she wasn't with us in person at that point, but because it had started even before we met her, I know it wasn't ALL about NRE. We've had a very difficult 3 years... a lot of major life changes, and while we never lost each other, I do think the external influences meant we gave less to each other. So, I think the start of this sexual exploration and increase in sex drive for him, was partly related to us finally coming out of the fog of the last three years.
You are, at least to an extent, correct about pity sex, which is why I tend to avoid (as much as is possible without causing issues) discussing this topic with him. No one wants to feel like they're being given pity sex. However, the flip side is, this is a man who is exceedingly stubborn at times, and rarely does something he doesn't want to do (though admittedly, when IS doing something he'd rather not do, it's almost always for either me or our GF). Pity sex isn't really his MO... for which I am grateful, believe me.
I recognize I can't change his sex drive or his behavior to make me feel more wanted. I know that any change has to come from me, and part of the reason I am on this forum is to learn more about myself and to work through solutions for some of my issues. I know I very clearly link sex and emotional intimacy, and that's not something he does...
Now, all of this said and acknowledged... there are a few things that have upset me that I feel are valid.
One weekend night, he and I thought ALL of us were going to have sex. She was going through something challenging at the time, however, and wasn't up for it when the time came. I was talking to him in IM and said, "do you still want to?" His reply was, "I did if it was all of us, but I really don't feel like having to get up afterwards." What he meant was that since she wasn't involved, he and I would be having sex in the downstairs bedroom, and he'd have to get up, as opposed to going straight to sleep. This in and of itself was an issue, but then she told me she wasn't going straight to bed and he and I should feel welcome to go in the bedroom and have sex and she'd join us for sleeping later. He decided that would be awkward. The latter part, we've since worked through... he and I did (once) have sex while she wasn't in the bedroom. I didn't really understand how that could be "awkward" since we all have sex with each other during alone time and usually the 3rd is in the house somewhere.
The previous part, however, we've not worked through. We had sex downstairs at night maybe once or twice since that conversation, and now I've resigned myself to the reality that we will not have sex at night (weekends where she stays up aside, but usually the three of us are together on weekends, so that's not something that would happen all that often). It still stings, though, to feel like it's not worth the effort to have to come upstairs after sex. When I told her about this, she said that if he'd said that to her, she'd have been hurt by it, too... and would've felt not worth the effort. He claimed that even if it had been her who wanted sex that night, he wouldn't have wanted to come upstairs and would've said no. He says that's just true of any night. It would be inconvenient, and he wouldn't want to do that. My argument to him is that it's very easy to say that, because the odds of me saying "no" on any given night are pretty damn slim, and he knows that.
He's told her repeatedly how rare it has been for me to turn him down, and this is true. I just don't necessarily think that before she entered our lives, I was aware of him thinking that way. So, the feeling of being taken for granted is a legitimate one. I simply am... and the consideration of being less sexually available is something that came about because of that.
The point is, if I never say no, do I just dig myself deeper into this position of being assumed a sure thing? The reality is there are nights I don't want sex. The odds of either of them knowing that, however, are slim... because those are nights when they don't try. There were times, long before her, where I didn't necessarily want sex, but my thought when it was initiated was "well, you don't know when you'll next get the chance," and so I went along... and my body being what it is, it didn't take a lot to get me to the point where I *did* want sex.
So, YGirl, I don't think you're completely off base with some of your assumptions. I did, however, want to clarify the difference between I
had internal issues I didn't need to work through before the triad and our marriage had issues, because the former is certainly true, but the latter is not.