Originally Posted by michou
I feel the need to be an equal player in the relationship. .............
I guess my basic question is: how do you balance the transition from a long-term two-person relationship to a three-person relationship while meeting everyone’s needs for equality and for security? Is it best to start out as everyone being equal as much as possible or is it better to transition gradually? .....................
Not to mention the wedding. They have assured me several times that the fact that they are getting married does not mean that I will have a secondary role in the relationship.
Well, FWIW, I'm going to say your expectations and plans may get you all in trouble. There's a 'scent' of control in there and if there is, it's going to spell some difficult times ahead.
There IS NO equality ! Ever. Anywhere. Life just in't like that. But what it's sensible to seek is BALANCE. A totally different thing. I think if you looked at the relationship much like you would 3 (or more) people running an office or business together the natural dynamic might seem clearer. Some days certain people are tight on a project, communicating and making decisions together and the other(s) are off on something else. It's just how life flows. COULD you feel 'left out' ? Sure. You could. But life isn't going to wait around for decision by committee. No different in relationships.
And now the 'marriage' thing.
Why ? What's behind that ? What's the driver ?
Because it IS going to effect a 'pair bond' to some degree regardless of what everyone intends. It's the nature of the institution. And when you have a 'pair bond' you are going to have anyone else outside that contract take somewhat of a 'secondary' role. How much would depend on the people of course, but that's what the contract is intended to accomplish ! So if this 'marriage' is necessary for some reason I suggest you get used to a new role. It's ok - really. But YOU have to accept it as 'ok'. Otherwise there's going to be resentment and trouble will ensue. Decisions WILL get made by the pair, time will be spent together etc etc. Can you be ok with that ? If not I think you guys better get talking before this contract gets signed ! (marriage)
Good luck - keep us posted.