Is it polyamory?
My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over three years. For half of that time, we have been involved in S&M communities. We have only "played" with each other. Nine months ago, we both began to feel a desire to meet and date new people due to our growing interest in S&M, though we were still madly in love with each other. We read The Ethical Slut together and talked with friends who were in or had experienced open and polyamorous relationships. We decided to let it marinate for a while. After three months, the desire to see other people had fizzled out and we happily skipped along our merry way.
A couple of months ago, she met a guy online. He was similar to us in age and lifestyle and I was glad to see her making a new friend, especially because I've spent the last six weeks caring for my dying grandfather. His funeral was just a week ago. They went on a couple of friend dates and, again, I was glad that she had found someone who fulfilled needs that I wasn't able to at the time. One week, to the date, I flew back home after a weekend-long funeral. As we drove home, she told me that she had a date planned for that coming weekend. The tone in her voice suggested that it was a date with romantic motives. When I asked if it was a date with romantic motives, she confirmed my suspicion. I was stunned speechless.
During the time since she and E met, I was under the impression that she was seeking out nothing but friendship with him. We had discussed the idea of an open relationship and/or polyamory before, but we'd never acted upon it. I thought she would have enough respect for me to at least tell me her intentions with him when her feelings diverged from the platonic sort. I asked what the date would involve. That Friday, they planned to go to the symphony, then they would sleep at his place, have an "adventure" on Saturday and she would return home in the early afternoon. I didn't know what to do during the couple of days leading up to that Friday except ask her about what I was/wasn't doing and what this meant for our relationship. I felt like denying her this date was too selfish because we had spent months talking and discussing an open relationship.
"I feel safe with him. I mean really safe. We have so much in common and I think the love that I get with him will transfer over into our relationship." The knife twisted that much more in my heart. I spent Friday night with a friend and cleaned our entire apartment on Saturday just to distract myself. She got home after 6:00 PM and looked slightly surprised and guilty to see me flitting about the kitchen. I said nothing and pulled her into a hug. When I released her, she looked over my shoulder and waved out the window. Upon closer inspection of her neck, I noticed a few small hickies. I felt sick. I spent that night with a friend.
The next day (Sunday...keeping up?), after work, I returned home and resumed cleaning the apartment as a peace offering for being unable to talk about her kissing him. She wasn't home yet. While tidying up, I went through our "play" bag and noticed that something was missing--a box of condoms. I really did throw up then. I tried texting but she didn't respond. Finally, after calling and not getting an answer, she sent a vague text explaining that she'd made last-minute plans, wasn't alone and couldn't come home right away. She didn't come back until Monday afternoon. I confronted her about taking the condoms and not responding to my texts and calls, especially without letting me know at least where she was and if she was okay. I flat out asked if she'd had sex with him. She had sex with him, multiple times Sunday night and Monday morning. I've never cried so hard in my entire life.
We spent the rest of Monday talking and trying to figure out what this meant. We even made love and she continually reassured me that she loves me. She said E wanted to meet me, to see if I was okay with all this and how we could "share" her without animosity. I feel betrayed, threatened and backed into a corner. I love her so much. We're not married and I'm afraid of telling her that I'm not comfortable with her kissing him and having sex with him because I fear she might choose him over me. I feel like the Old Love trying desperately to burn brightly enough not to be snuffed out by the New Love; or, like a dog that's being overlooked by the new puppy. I know she and I went through a rough patch the last couple of months because I was away taking care of my family, but I never expected her to move so quickly with someone she's known for so short a time. AND most of it was done without ever asking me how I felt about the situation!
Should I confront her and demand/request(?) to get a say in how I feel about sharing her, especially because I feel like ours is the primary relationship? I don't even know if ours is the primary one anymore. She's on a date with him tonight (planned again without talking with me). I want to demand that she not see him anymore because it's not fair for her to bring someone into our relationship when ours still needs to be worked on. We haven't fully resolved the snapping and lashing out that happened while I was away. I'm going crazy and hurting so much. I feel like he's taking her away from me. I don't want to lose her. Please help.