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Old 09-10-2009, 11:38 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Sometimes I had know idea what it was coming up, just that I was feeling strongly. I don't know if I would be satisfied with "following the lead." I think I would be a bit more demanding.
Perhaps, but in my case, she is letting me know what's coming up and if I were to be more demanding, I don't see how that would help her work through the issues she's having. I don't see putting pressure on her as being productive. I can't demand that she get over it. If I was struggling with something and someone demanded that of me, I would be pretty pissed off and alienated by that. I have let her know very clearly what impact this is having on me, I don't see how I can demand more of her at this point.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'd ask if she wants you to come and console her, chat with her, sit in silence, get the hell out of the house, what?! If you are unclear about what you should do or what your role is, shouldn't you be asking, discussing, setting boundaries. Perhaps it is not okay for you that she does that rather than talk it out? And the should be fine. Radical honesty baby. If you are really becoming a part of their already established relationship then shouldn't these things be out in the open?
Oh, I'm all for radical honesty. I'm all about calling things out then and there and that's a practice I follow in all my relationships. And I asked her those questions at the time practically verbatim. She couldn't give an answer as to what she wanted, so it sort of grew into that general funk and air of tension that I elected to leave. Many of those boundaries are still being set. As I said earlier, this is in it's very early stages and we've been taking things slowly. We still haven't established how much of a part of this relationship I am. Plus we all know that I'll eventually be moving back overseas. So while things are in the open, that still doesn't make things certain. We're just very open about the uncertainty.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What does the husband want? There is no mention of what he thinks and what their already established dynamic is around her repeating this behaviour. It sounds as if she may be accustom to trotting off to bed when the going gets tough.
He only arrived towards the tail end of all this. At the time, he was comforting to me and squeezing my hand and making sure I felt wanted by him, but as I said earlier in my previous post, much of this issue is about her struggling with the sharing. We've talked about it since and he has been supportive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If you are going to be three then shouldn't you BE IN IT? It just seems that you have put yourself in a position of being the third wheel, rather than the third.
The reality of the situation is what it is. I am in it as much as I can be at the moment. I have been honest about my feelings and the effects. I have offered what I can, and what she needs more than anything from me at the moment is space. I have only been involved with these people for a few months. They have been together for 15 years. These realities can't be denied when dealing with such things. I don't see any more I can do at this point that wouldn't be overstepping the limits of my position in this relationship at the moment. And this is why I try not to get involved with couples in this way. But feelings rarely follow directions.

Last edited by Ceoli; 09-10-2009 at 11:40 PM.
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