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Old 09-10-2009, 11:17 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900

Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
May I ask what kind of relationship do the three of you have? Is it a triad, a V, or something else (perhaps double V or something more extended)? This, in my mind, makes a significant difference, because if you're in a triad, she's not merely the wife, but also your girlfriend.
We are a triad. I am definitely in relationship with both of them. I've been avoiding using terms girlfriend or boyfriend in general because for myself, it's not to the point where I feel that describes our relationship. More of that has to do with myself and my past and how those terms get a bit loaded for me.

Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
Why do you feel you have no power or right to address the issue(s) involved? You may be the "third" but this is your relationship, too, and you have the right and responsibility to be fully engaged in it. To be alternately allowed in/ pushed out is not fair, and will eventually doom the relationship.
I addressed the issues involved by letting her know the effect her actions were having on me. These two people have been together for 15 years. I've been there for about 3 months and we've not had regular face to face contact for those 3 months. Things have been definitely getting more serious in the past month, but the fact remains that this is still very new and how deep the relationship is going to run in our lives still remains to be seen. Those issues that were coming up for her go much further back than the 3 months I've been there. So I feel as fully engaged as I can be under the circumstances.

Originally Posted by Fidelia View Post
IMO, it is a good and compassionate thing to give the wife/gf some space to think and soul-search. But while she is doing so, why do you not feel you cannot talk and connect with the husband/bf? It seems to me that you need healing in this situation, too, and that need deserves respect and attention too.
I have talked a bit with him about it and he has been as reassuring as he can be, much of what arose for her was about having difficulty sharing. Since my contact with him is directly related to that issue, I need to be sensitive to that. The fact is, I still come in second to each of them and that is an undeniable fact in the design of this relationship at this stage. So if my needs end up being in conflict with any of their needs, I can keenly feel the weight against me in such negotiations.
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