It seems I've come up on a personal roadblock, and was wondering if anyone had any advice that I could use to dissect it and understand why it exists..
It's kind of strange, and I spent a good couple of hours bouncing ideas off of a friend yesterday to try and understand it. To preface, C and I haven't yet opened our relationship officially.. we're still in a research and planning type stage.
I can watch C kissing others, cuddling with them, flirting with them, even outright making out with them on stage (we perform in the local Rocky Horror Shadowcast, and C pulled her crush on stage to molest for one of the numbers). None of this phases me in the least.. I don't feel uncomfortable, insecure, jealous.. it just is. We can also talk about it with eachother, and even joke about it. None of this bothers me in any way.
But the moment we aren't together, I get seriously choked up. It's almost like when I'm alone, I can dwell on it, and my body actually physically responds to it all. My heart rate quickens, I feel anxious.. even when I know exactly where she is, exactly what she's doing, and completely trust that she respects that I want to move slowly and that we haven't offically opened our relationship.
The best my friend and I could come up with was that while we are together, I know what's happening. When we talk about it, even in depth, C's there to reassure me about it all. But when I'm not with her, I get choked up with some kind of bizarre fear of the unknown, even though nothing is currently happening.
It's like when we're together, I'm perfectly alright with the concept of us being in a poly relationship. But when we're apart, I suffer from some serious doubts. I can't pinpoint what it is exactly that I'm anxious about, or why I can't take the reassurance that C gives me when we're together out of that setting. It's kind of driving me nuts. *Laughs*