Thank you for your response! We did a lot of talking last night as well, though this time it actually moved from the angry outburst, not-getting-anywhere kind to something that was a little more productive.
We have both read several articles on managing jealousy in this situation, and I, being the obsessive type that I am have spent a great many hours reading pretty much everything that I could track down on the web, from blogs, to articles, to random forum discussions. I will admit that it's been a great help for me in overcoming my issues, but she approaches things from an almost entirely emotional level, and doesn't deal well with rationality when she is upset. I guess I come off as cold, and unfeeling when I try to talk to her from a strictly logical standpoint, and it usually doesn't end well.
We have established that she does have some insecurities that she needs to work through, and she insists that this is something that she needs to do on her own. I don't really know how to relate to that. I want to be there for her, and be able to help her through this, and I know that I rarely ever work through anything emotional on my own. I always feel like I need someone to help me put all the pieces together. I guess it's just a matter of being different people?
On the jealousy: I brought this up to her of course, along with the concept of envy, and it did not go well at all. I believe the exact phrase was (imagine the inflection to be very hostile) "I'm NOT jealous of HER!" This has actually been yelled toward me twice now. Once when I first brought up the idea of her being envious, and again when I suggested that she give an article on jealousy that we had both read another read through. I'm not sure how to tackle that.
Yes we have talked in great detail about the sexual aspects of her relationship with her boyfriend. I am the kind of person that wants all the details. (well at least I was in the very beginning.) I am unhappy to report that her experiences with him have been less than awesome. Awkward at best actually. According to her it's partially because she can't just let go with him, and gets to a point where she "freaks out" because he is not me. I also though am forced to infer that it may also be a bit of inadequacy on his part due to the not-so-thrilling nature of their encounters. She feels that since she has such a hard time being able to go all the way with being with someone else, that it is an insult that I can do it so quickly, and perceivably easily.
As far as her difficulty with accomplishing orgasm; I do not know what that initially stems from. She has no traumatic event in her past that I have ever heard of, and besides that fact seems to have had completely "normal" relationships..(well, up until me I guess...), I have always informed her that I love her and enjoy being with her the way that she is, which is true, (and besides, I can usually get her off anyway,). I have offered to help her seek counseling if she feels that this is an issue that she would like to get help with, and she denied it. I am really at a dead end with that one, and neither of us think that it would be right to try to ban one of us or the other from having or giving orgasms with the other people that we are with.....it just seems kind of trivial and absurd. (it took her about a year and a half into our relationship I think before she had her first orgasm. It was pretty hit or miss for a while, but I helped her learn how to let go and feel herself out, and to acknowledge what she likes and we have gotten to the point to where it is pretty regular for me to be able to get her there. Our sex life, as with (I believe) most married couples sex lives has been more roller coaster like than anything. At times we have good sex frequently, at times we have not so good sex sometimes, and other times we have gone a month or two with none at all....her sex drive is pretty sporadic, and not nearly as insatiable as mine...but I would have to say that for the most part our sex life, especially recently until this happened, has been quite good.)
As far as rules go; we did set up a lot more in the beginning, or well...I did. They helped me to cope with my insecurities and feel like I still had some control of a situation that I desperately needed to feel in control of. A couple of the rules still stand. One got half-broken (no sex in OUR bed...she didn't count oral sex as sex...I was over the point by time that happened though and that rule was laid to rest.)...another one got extremely broken, and almost left her boyfriends face in the same condition....(they broke the "condom rule"....she told me the next day....it wasn't easy, but we worked through it...and it will never happen again.) The spending the night rule has evolved to either once a month for her, or if I am with J. The sex specific rules: No sodomy, use a condom PRIOR TO any vaginal penetration, and....well that's about it. Though she made it known to me last night that as of right now the "no sex in our bed" rule has been reinstated on my side of things. I of course agreed with this. Not a problem.
She also though informed me that she wants me to not have any sexual contact with J until she gets everything sorted out and feels comfortable with it. This is well within her rights, and I agreed, but she has also informed me that she can't bring herself to want to be with me, and is "disgusted" by me right now. She is afraid that if we have sex, she will be terrorized by images of me fucking J and that she will freak out and horrible sobbing, fighting, etc, will ensue. I don't think I have to say what my problem is with this arrangement. I have just been banned from having any sexual contact with anyone for an undisclosed amount of time. This IS an issue for me, and I made that known. It didn't go over well.
I never thought that this would be easy, and I hoped that my insight into what I went through would have been able to help me help her work through her problems, but unfortunately that does not seem to be the case. This is probably the hardest thing that our marriage has had to endure yet. Sure, sometimes monogamy is easier, and for those who have wonderful, fulfilling monogamous relationships...good for them. I will say in our case, up until the very recent future...despite the trouble, what we are doing has been infinitely more rewarding, and monogamy was not so much keeping us on a good path...
I'm still very open to any advice, and I will keep pushing her to read some more of other peoples experiences and hope that she can gain some insight from it. Thanks again.
Last edited by jsw8671; 02-13-2011 at 02:57 PM.