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Old 02-13-2011, 09:29 AM
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yoxi yoxi is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Dawlish, Devon (soon...)
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Something new has come out of my reflecting. Please note: this is only about my experience, not anyone else's!

I had a flash of 'insight' on the bus yesterday (public transport is great for that...) - I was sitting on the top deck of the bus, pondering polyamory (as one does), when it suddenly became clear to me that an important part of my desire to be part of an MFM triple is to do with my ongoing exploration of my ambigender self.

I've always felt that I am both genders (which is why no terms involving 'trans-' or 'inter-' ever felt like they fit me), but up until the end of last year, I've been fighting it, one way, or another, or another... I'd always assumed I had to "choose one and stick with it", and last year I finally realised that's bolox, and have come to rest more and more comfortably in being me, who is somehow both (not physically, but certainly psychically and somatically) and that's neither "okay" nor "not okay", it just is, like having blue eyes.

Having been abused by both parents makes this complex. That experience has certainly sat behind the feeling of having to "choose one", and the fighting against it (well, that and the many metric tonnes of cultural pressure). But I think my dreams since childhood about being part of a triple, and the desire I've had for being that, is partly an expression of wanting to bring myself and these two "sides" of me into harmonious relationship, make for us a loving union.

This is great: it means I can explore the possibility of being part of a MFM triple (or not), but that I won't be doing that just to meet some unconscious need, I'll be doing it knowingly with love flowing from the inside outwards, rather than just looking for it to come to me to fill a void - because there isn't a void, it's already full of me!

I'm partly writing all this just to say it out loud - but also in case it resonates with anyone else's experience. I'm not assuming it applies to anyone else but me!
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