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Old 02-13-2011, 08:03 AM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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I like your questions, redpepper. It seems as if you were pretty open-minded towards my views, even though you disagree with lots of them. Your questions also make me think again, that's great

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What had you locked away? What has sex got to do with what you locked away? You had to have sex in order to have a learning experience? Sorry, I'm lost I think... I don't see ho this relates to taking care of yourself... The connection between learning and inner healing because you are in each others lives and having sex behind his girlfriends back is lost on me... could you explain more?
I was talking about our relationship in general, not the specific situation. Having sex is not necessary for our relationship or it being beneficial.

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Is it not a commonly accepted view because people have experienced what it is like to cheat and what it is like to be cheated on? You sound as if you have convinced yourself. Have you and he decided this? Or is it part of the culture you live in? I just have never heard this before and am fascinated that anyone could justify hurting someone else as necessary because they are thinking of themselves. To me it sounds selfish and completely goes against my value of what I put out into the world I receive in return eventually (Karma).

I agree, the two of them should not of made the agreement they did. It sounds like they were naive to think that the love they shared and passion was only meant for the two of them. Why did he not say so when he realized this rather than cheat? Why did he continue on deceiving her? What purpose does it serve to continue to deceive her? Is it out of fear that you are both waiting to tell her? If it is not a big deal to either of you that she might have some emotion, then why not tell her now? Why not tell her right after it happened? Is it because he believes that it is her problem if she is hurt, in pain and devastated that he has broken his promise...? Is it because it is so not a big deal that the two of you are shrugging it off?
He doesn't share my view about this thing. He is not pro open relationships or even poly relationships any longer. He was before she asked him to become her boyfriend, but now he doesn't believe that poly relationships could work. He was scared of losing her, and changing his opinion about poly relationships and not telling her right now that he cheated on her, is I guess also driven by the fear of losing her and not seeing her again. He thinks that having sex with me was a mistake. And he thinks that being with her in a monogamous relationship is the right thing to do and what will really make him happy in the long run. And he says he will never change his view about it again, and that it will be like this forever

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There is no fear of cheating here though, you two already have. The fear seems to lie in telling her in a timely fashion. No no one will die, but I am willing to bet that a piece of this woman will die when she finds out. That piece being her trust in others and her willingness to make herself vulnerable to another man ever again. You can't bank on her not making this catastophic. She might very well make this HUGE. And she has every right to. She has every right to feel what ever it is that she is feeling. That is human and completely acceptable. Turning this into a nice little package that explains to her that it is okay that he broke his agreement with her is likely not going to go over well I think. I doubt that she is going to buy what you are selling. Of course I could be completely wrong. I wonder if there is not some inkling that this might not go as well as you both think and this is why you aren't telling her as soon as you can.
Of course, she has every right to feel whatever she feels. I'm not judging it, I have a lot of understanding for her feelings. What I think will most likely happen is that he will downplay the cheating, or not be completely honest about it towards her. She will feel very hurt, and he will promise to try to resist me better in the future. Maybe she will ask him to stay away from me physically, I don't know. I don't know how he will react to it, as he said to me that he would never give up cuddling with me. I'm pretty curious about what will happen in May. I might even lose him, I'm aware of that.

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I will be interested to see how this works out for you. Please keep us posted
Will do
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