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Old 02-13-2011, 07:30 AM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 44

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I know you don't think anything beyond your relationship with this guy is your responsibility, but if I were you I would insist that he tell her before being involved with him again. I just could not live with knowing that the person I am in love with is so uncaring, devious, and dishonest, not to mention what your involvement with him does to her.
I think it is indeed my responsibility to tell him my opinion about his behavior, and I have told him already that I think he should tell her right away. He rather wants to talk to her face to face than over the phone, which I understand, but that only works when you can see each other every day, or if it is something that is not that important. But he's a grown-up person, so I can't and won't make decisions for him, make him do something, or punish him. It was the same thing when he told me over the phone that we won't have sex any longer. I asked him why and he said we will talk about it next time we meet. He was very upset when I told him that I want to know now, not wait another week guessing what it might be. Holding back information from others is quite manipulative, I absolutely agree with you.

How can I live with it? Because I understand him. Because I know that although his behavior is uncaring, devious, and dishonest, he as a person is not. I'm not mad at him because of the mistakes he makes, I feel rather sorry for him. Loveless behavior towards others, is always loveless behavior towards ourselves in the first place, and that's actually pretty sad. People who act loveless, actually need love most of all. There is this proverb "Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." and I think it holds a lot of wisdom. We all act loveless in one way or another. I might not hold back information from others, but I'm pretty sure I make some equally stupid mistakes without even being aware of it. I'm not religious, and I don't agree with the negative image of the Christian churches of all humans being sinners, but in the bible Jesus says: "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone." And no stone was cast. So I will not cast stones at others for their mistakes.

I also think that there are probably plenty more people who would be open to a poly lifestyle than you realize, and so it really might not be as difficult as you think to find another boyfriend. But I would encourage you to be open and honest on all fronts and insist on the same personal integrity from your partners. Then you would truly be poly, not just cheating and okay with it.
That would indeed be great, and I hope I will find those people sooner or later. At the moment I rather feel like an alien with all my weird paradox views. I guess I'm not a human being, I just happen to look like one I will not leave my friend though, no matter what he does or who I will meet in the future. Leaving others because it hurts too much, is making them responsible for how I feel. I rather focus on overcoming the hurt than getting rid of the person who triggered it. I'm sure that in the long run I and the people around me will benefit from staying more than from leaving. The only thing that would make me leave is any kind of physical harm, as I won't be able to overcome the physical boundaries of this existence. But I can learn to overcome all emotional dependences.
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