What do I mean with my inner love? What I think about myself and about others has an influence on the reality that is created. I watch my inner dialogue and give myself a positive imput. Just like a lover who supports me, comforts me, helps me to find a better way. In this way I can change the dialogue, that otherwise takes place rather automatically. I keep on telling me that I love myself.
Sometimes I can't stop being angry at myself, critizise me or blame myself. Then I just accept this and tell myself, that I love me despite my complaining about what I couldn't get done etc. Loving myself also means being in the present. It means to step out of competition, accepting my mistakes and weaknesses, being able to laugh about myself.
It doesn't mean, that I'm totally uncritical about myself, it means to be critical in a constructive way.
There is another way to give love and energy to myself. I imagine – more precisely: I know, that it happens -, that I spread love into the environment - while telling myself "I love me" and I get love, a matter out of a sphere that can't be explored scientifically. It's an energy that is all around us but most of us forgot to notice. Breathing deeply at the same time helps too. In connection with plants and animals we can feel it. It's in the air, in the rays of the sun, it's all around us. We're not seperated, we only think we are. Loving a human being is a very special kind of love, but loving a tree or a bird or the wind comes from the same substance. Loving humanity as such means loving myself. Love is only a word, what I try to tell is beyond language, but it can be hinted at with words. Words are a medium for transmitting information.
Now back to the other parts of my posting. What you say about my latest experiences is true. You could follow me and gave the answer already.
My behaviour lacked any respect to Claudia and she feels betrayed and neglected. I was driven by my senses and by my selfishness, and I forgot about my responsibility and about the voice of my heart. I should have given more place for these aspects in my last posting
Jan and Suzanne treated me more like someone to play with than like a friend.
My impression about the threesome was confirmed at a party, where Suzanne wasn't interested in me at all, she didn't even want to have a chat with me. Suzanne was jealous of Claudia and Jan was jealous of me, even though both weren't interested in us.
There was a long time friend of mine at the party, Jeniffer (Claudia only knows her a little). I had a good time with Jeniffer, we talked and danced and hugged each other and got quite close . We might have gone further, but I didn't want to end up cheating again. Her attitude might be open towards polyamory; she has a lover – who was also at the party - and its an open relationship; he is a good friend and compagnion to her, she said. It felt very good to be with Jeniffer. Later Claudia got mad - after I had told Claudia and Jeniffer that I would be delighted if Jeniffer would visit us and if the two women could get more acquainted with each other -. Later Jeniffer told me, that she feels very uncomfortable about Claudia and a little theatened.
At home, Claudia attacked me physically several times (not for the first time in our relationship) out of some minor reasons I can't recall (later she said my encounter with Suzanne was one of the reasons). Then, because I lay on an extra matress (I wanted to be alone) she started to kick me. I understand, that Claudia feels insulted, because of what I had done with Suzanne and we talked about it, but I didn't deserve a treatment like that. I said I would like to break up our relationship or that we should better have a break for a longer time. Claudia ignored most of what I said and told me, we would just have a little break. She didn't fully grasp my explanations, that violence is absolutely no option. I just talked to her on the phone and told her the same as before and made it clear, that I need a polyamorous relationsship to be happy. She said, I could see other women, but if we became intimate, she would leave me.
I guess, often it is a communication problem, I never made it clear enough (and she didn't want to listen), how I would like to be in a relationship with her. I still feel deeply connected with her and I would like to keep that connection, but I get the impression, that I'm not capable to deal with her mental conflicts and the hurt from the not so recent past (being neglected and later seperated from her father and other sad experiences, family situations etc), that lead to her extreme outbursts of rage and fury. This was the first time it happened after about two months; lately, we got along much better than at the end of last year.
What I experience is that there are not many but a few people who like a loving, heart sharing "lifestyle" like polyamory. Sex and possession is in the centre of most peoples focus. When we – the few - celebrate this kind of love, we make other people wonder and some change their opionion or even their behaviour. Others despise or ridicule us or get mad. We should be very careful with whom we socialize and be specific about our attitude and our intentions, so we don't betray anyone (which means that we betray ourselves as well).
Sometimes, the best way to learn is by doing and – if we can't see it otherwise – by making mistakes.
Any guess, how I should continue to cope with Claudia or what I should do? Often love relationships and friendships end in a bitter way, how can we do it differently? Or is it to late to keep up the love and compassion?
Sorry, if I repeated myself nce in a while. I believe polyamory is easy to understand. It is a different thing to know what it means and to act openly and with respect and to take the risk of being rejected . We were raised to conform to a world where fear, selfishness, dishonesty, materialism and possessive attitudes are the norm. We can change it.
Last edited by Imagination; 02-13-2011 at 02:54 AM.