Originally Posted by nycindie
So, it seems you are amused by his behavior, and flattered by being the one he cheats on her with, so you throw up your hands and say, "Not my responsibility." But, you're so wrong. You are the other woman in a dishonest monogamous relationship. No one is poly here.
Well, no, I'm actually not amused or flattered at all. I used that emoticon (
) to express irony, that in fact it's not working perfectly at all. I think I've already pointed out why I consider this not to be my responsibility and why I chose the title.
Originally Posted by redpepper
I wonder how long my loves would stay with me if I decided I would act on my own behalf only. Its important to have long term close loves in my life. I wonder how they would adjust? I wonder how I would adjust to them acting this way? Not well I'm sure. I would lose it. All my fears of abandonment would come up, my feelings of worth, my feelings of belonging, being worthy of respect. I akin my commitments to those I love as a child does to its parents. I trust that they would have my best interest in mind when I commit to being with them. If they cheated, something fragile, vulnerable and precious would be lost. My heart would break.
The thing is, we are no children any longer. Children are dependent from their parents, adults in our cultures are not dependent from their partners, although they often act as if. We will not die when our partners cheat on us, it doesn't even keep us from becoming happy, if we don't let it. So, if we are scared that others could cheat on us, we make us emotionally dependent from them, we keep this fear in us alive, that if they cheat on us we won't be able to handle it. But the truth is, we can handle it. It's not nice to be cheated on, but it's no catastrophe either, if we don't make it one. Or in terms of karma: It's bad for their karma, not for ours. But worrying about being cheated on and being devastated when it happens, is bad for our karma.
I have this kind of relationship with him, that we try not to make to other one responsible for how we feel, or take over responsibility for the other one's feelings. I can say that it is pretty tough at times, so many negative feelings come up. But it's a great challenge. We have only lasted a year so far, but I can also say that this has been the most valuable relationship in my life so far. I've grown so incredibly much by being forced to finally take care of myself and especially the parts of myself I had locked away. It's the same for him. It's an amazing learning experience for both of us, it has done so much for our inner healing, I like it
The funny thing with karma is, that often things are the complete opposite of what we commonly think they are. It's interesting how much everyone stresses the cheating part of this story. That's the commonly accepted view, and how most people would react. I would have said the same things not too long ago. In my opinion now though, in terms of karma (truth, enlightment, or whatever you want to call it), it was loveless of her to ask him to become her boyfriend when she felt she couldn't handle his relationship with me. And it was loveless of him to accept it. The cheating was just the natural consequence of this behavior, something that made the contradiction visible, if you want to put it that way. Without the cheating, it would be exactly the same lie, just covered a little better.