A little background information: I've grown up in mono household. In August of last year (2010) I started chatting with M. He and his wife have accepted me completely and I'm now a part of their family. I don't live with them, yet. We're planning on having me move out there with them in June! I can't wait to be home, finally.
Anyways, I'm having a hard time dealing with the "loss" of certain things. Something that I dreamed of when I was a little girl was growing up and getting married to a man I love and having children.
I've since met the man I love. Recently I was able to be present at the birth of their second child. It was an incredible, amazing experience and I am so glad that I was able to be there!!!
However, while she was laboring away, M was there helping her, holding her hand, giving her as many cuddles as he could (the bed was tiny) and kisses. That night while I was trying to steal some sleep on a hospital sofa (in between feedings) I got to thinking, what happens when I have my children? If we're in the same city, I can't use the midwifery service and have M there helping me the way he just helped His wife. I want that, I want the kisses and the cuddles and the comfort he can offer. How can that happen without exposing our family?
M's solution is that by the time I'm ready to have children (in about 4 years), that we'll be in a different city and they won't know what I'm not his legal wife. But what about when his wife has a child the next year and we're in the same new city?
And then, what do I put on the birth certificate? Can my children not have my M's last name? I don't think it's the end of the world if they don't, but it bothers me, and when I brought it up with M, it bothered him as well.
One of the things that threw me off kilter from the last time I was there visiting was when M and I were at the store and we were holding hands. And all of a sudden my hand was thrown from his, because he ran into one of his cousins. After that has happened, I don't feel like it's ok to hold M's hand, to touch him in public or to show any affection to him outside of the house.
I know I can't legally marry M, but I do want to have a wedding, at some point. My mom knows that the relationship I'm in is poly and my father has been in a poly relationship before (he might sill be in one, it's kind of murky) but what do I tell my grandparents, who will never accept a poly relationship?
What I'm wondering is if you've had any similar experiences? How do you/have you dealt with them? Do you have any suggestions about being able to give M's last name to the children I give him?