XYZ, thank you so much! That was really helpful and I sincerely thank you for sharing so much personal information. I'm glad you and your husband had a happy ending. I hope mine is willing to work toward that too, but I know he's still undecided. I know what you mean, about talking more honestly than ever before. He is kind of a wreck right now too, but he has had more time to get used to the idea of us not being together, seeing as he 'checked out' awhile ago. He says he WANTS to stay together, but is not sure we CAN; that we'll continue to damage each other if we don't fix our communication problems. I agree, but don't think it's insurmountable. A lot of work, yes, but possible. I am holding out hope, and I still see a glimmer of hope in him that maybe will grow. But you're right - only if we can agree on relationship styles. I want to repair the relationship so badly that it's very easy to lose sight of those warning signs. I can't let him take me down with him.
I don't have any experience with swingers, so your explanations made a lot of sense. I feel naive. It explains a lot though, and now I know.