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Old 02-11-2011, 10:03 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by zephyr View Post
The last time we talked, I had thought this was what we were going to do... and then we went back to the same stuff.
But who allowed it to revert back? Did you really go for what you wanted or acquiesce to what they wanted? It sounds like you tend to give in to their dynamic without asserting yourself into the whole.

How old are all of you? I may have missed that info.

I think for me, it's becoming an issue of trust: will my partners take care of me like I take care of them? There have been episodes of one or both of them falling asleep in the middle. While the explanations are valid, it doesn't change the emotional blow. (I recognize we all own our sexual needs. So, in the end, I can take care of myself. But it hurts that I see to it they have no need to take care of themselves, but won't do the same for me.)
Ah, I see. That sounds very disappointing and like a "me against them" situation. I can see how it would feel hurtful.

I usually view falling asleep as a mechanism people use to avoid looking at a situation. I mean, I've been bone-tired and kept it going all night long, because it was something I wanted. But I've noticed lately when I am stressed and dealing with something I really don't want to have to deal with (I have an emotional circumstance in my life right now - getting divorced), I get so incredibly drowsy I have to lay down, and then I sleep for a few hours. It seems like your husband and girlfriend are not really addressing something that needs to be addressed.

I think that's where I'm at today: dealing with the emotions and trying to find a way to either (a) not take it into myself as them not desiring me or (b) get them to realize how isolating and lonely it feels in my shoes. Right now, I wonder why I should put myself in a vulnerable position, trusting they will reciprocate, when it's clear they won't.

So far, I'm not succeeding on either count. As Ariakas suggested, I am working on a letter (email). I guess I'll just have to see how that is received.
Yes, I see. But you really don't know for sure that they won't reciprocate, but I understand how it feels that way. It may all have to do with how the issues are presented to them.

A letter may be a good way to get clear on it all for yourself, too, so it's not just rumbling around in your head, making you crazy. My guess is that there are some unexpressed or difficult to understand feelings at play here, and not necessarily a lack of desire for you. However, taking a more positive, assertive, standing-up-for-yourself attitude, rather than feeling like the problem in the triad, could make you more desirable to both of them. It does sound like the girlfriend is more of a take-charge person, full of gusto, than you are -- whereas, perhaps, you hope and wait for what you want. Would that be close to accurate? Also, it may be that they just don't realize how they might come off as inconsiderate towards you.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 02-11-2011 at 10:09 PM.
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