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Old 02-11-2011, 08:19 PM
zephyr zephyr is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Thats a bit of a red flag. So she controls this? If he doesn't mind, and you don't mind. Then she should suck it up and learn to deal. It may be a triad but there are 4 intertwining relationships in this. She can't be involved in all of them. Sounds like she has self esteem problems and is scared to be left alone.
I think her insistence that I join them is an effort to make me feel desired (?). But I think most of it is that she's not ready to explore two of us being together when the other is around.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
She sounds like an ignorant guy (yes I am being sexist haha) about female orgasms. I don't have any advice. How old is she? This sounds like something someone young would still believe. Maybe her ego is broken because she can't make you orgasm, which is why she is trying so hard. More stroking of her own ego, when it doesn't happen, she feels her skills are deflated.
I think there was, at first, when she was getting to know my physical reactions and needs, a sense of ego involved. I think it disturbed her she couldn't bring me to orgasm.

But, I think she also has begun to understand how I react -- I get frustrated and think my partner is bored, so I give up. And that was where the stubborn came from -- she wasn't going to give up or let me give up. If I said, "No, I'm done. I need to stop," I trust her 100% that she would accept that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
curious is there some NRE happening between them that may be wearing out on you and her?
I think what's happening most of all, if I look at this very clinically is this: Because I don't orgasm easily, I have been loathe to initiate sex with my husband for quite some time -- even before she joined us. Now, she's here, with a high sex drive and he's getting blow jobs and sex with a very responsive partner 2-3 times a week. So, from his perspective, I can totally see some preferential treatment for her being almost a "Duh!" thing. You select for the one that's hitting all the right buttons. That's compounding my own anxieties about my lack of responsiveness.

One thing I don't do is fake it. Never have, never will. It's self-defeating. So, I'm pretty quiet until the fireworks start -- which is, admittedly, a long time for a partner to go with no real feedback. So, I can see the preference making a logical sense.

It just hurts and makes me want to curl up and hide from them both. "Fine. Go get your ya-yas out, but quit putting it in my face all the time. Quit trying to include me but leaving me hanging, all revved up but totally unsatisfied."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Do they gang up on you? Is that why you always lose, or do you give in because it isn't worth it. Have you tried writing a letter and being REALLY clear about what you want vs what they feel YOU want?
They do not gang up on me. I just don't communicate as well in person as I do "on paper". I don't have the time to formulate my entire thought process and get it out cleanly and clearly -- and to edit to protect feelings and egos. When I'm face-to-face, I'm pretty raw and vulnerable. On paper, I can distance myself and "deal" better.

I think I do give in because I perceive myself as the most vulnerable member of the three of us.

I'm ready to write a letter, but I honestly don't know what to say and whether I should write one letter to them both or two separate letters.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
.. gotta stop blaming yourself for your own bodies reactions to sex. Not good
I'm not blaming myself for being slow here. I'm saying that I feel they are focusing on each other because it's more satisfying than focusing on me. When I get upset and try to talk about it, they decide to focus on me -- and that's a lot of pressure and a lot of physical attention. I overload with no orgasm. No fun.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Ding ding, maybe? Not all triads are created equal. Most look more like isosceles triangles. Its one of the biggest reasons closed triads are hard. Someone usually feels like the odd side.
I just don't know (yet) if this is my own insecurities or reality. She swears it's just my insecurities, but she doesn't pounce on me much anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
You have a right to do whatever you want. Always. If you were dating someone who weirded you out, would you go into the bedroom with them?... its your body, your choice...
She has valid reasons in her own background for needing to leave and not participate, if we were all in the room together when something started. And I've vowed I'd never make her feel bad for needing to leave. But my own reasons for leaving, I feel, would start a fight. I told her as much the other day (we were talking, not in a play situation). She's focused on "I don't want you to feel like you are not welcome in your own bedroom." I'm focused on, "I don't want to feel like I'm a spectator while they play." And lately, that's how I feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Last question, how clear (and this relates to the above thought on writing a letter) how clear have you been about your sexual needs. Maybe it needs to be as clear as day. It might take out some of the exploratory fun, but if you are being left in the lurch...you might need to make a serious stand.
I don't think I've been too clear with her where my feeling undesired by her is. And I think I'm loathe to start that conversation because I don't feel it will happen without a fight. So, what do I do? Just be miserable in silence, or try to talk/write to her and let the fight happen if it does?

Zephyr
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