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Old 02-11-2011, 06:43 PM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 44
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@Mono: I'm sorry that it makes you sad. I think, I get your point, but I'm not sure if you really get mine. Treating others with love and respect is a very important value for me, if not the most important one. That means I do not take away things that belong to others, I do not harm anyone, and I help wherever I can. But I can't keep people from feeling hurt by what I do anyway. Anyone is free to leave my life if they can't handle being in it. So that's actually not at all the scenario you create. If I was a nation I would not invade other countries, or try to make them live the way I live. But I would not change the way I live either, if for instance another country felt offended that in my country everyone drives red cars because red is a bad color for them. I would offer to talk to the other country and try to explain why red is no evil color for us, and hope they will understand and accept it. But I would not change the color of the cars, even if they continued to feel offended.

Just another example: My husband felt hurt by me wanting to establish another equally close relationship with another man. Should I have stopped seeing my friend? Yes, I should have, if my husband's fears had been true, that seeing my friend would really have affected my feelings for my husband or the way I treated him, given of course that I wanted to remain close with my husband too. So I have not stopped seeing my friend, because my husband's fears were not true. The thing he was scared of simply didn't exist anywhere else but in his head.

If my friend's girlfriend came to me to talk about it, I would not push her away and say: "It's your problem, not mine. Go away, I don't care." I would instead offer her to sit down with her, listen to her, tell her that I truly understand how much it hurts (and trust me, I do!), and try to explain my perspective. I also offered my husband to hold him whenever he felt bad about my other relationship, talk to him a lot about it, going through these feelings together. That's all I can do, I'm afraid. I just don't want to act according to other people's misbeliefs, just to keep them calm. That would not be what I understand by true love.

That might sound paradox, but I hope that I could make my point a little more understandable anyway

@redpepper: No, I have never been cheated on by someone, at least not that someone had sex behind my back. Sure people did other things behind my back though, so I know what it feels like. And no, my perspective isn't common here. I had read about the concept of taking over full responsibility for how you feel before and it sounded interesting to me, but I've actually just started to fully understand what it means with the things that happened to me recently with my husband and my friend. It's not easy for me either to take over responsibility for my emotions now, it has actually caused me a lot of pain, but it's slowly getting better now. So yes, for me it seems to work for now
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