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Old 02-11-2011, 06:42 PM
zephyr zephyr is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 9
Default Feeling left out in sexually in my triad

Hey all,

I'm one of the females in an MFF closed triad. We're still "shaking down" all the things which change when bringing a third person into an established relationship. I am the legal wife of the M in the triad -- I've been with him for 20 years. We've had some sexual "dry spells" in the past, but with just two, I could pass it off as "not me".

What I'm struggling with right now is feeling sexually desired by both my partners -- I don't. I do not doubt their love for me at all. I doubt their desire for me.

The reality of the sexual equation is that I am the slow-coach, compared to my two partners. When we're all three together, I'm the last one to orgasm -- if at all. Our girlfriend is particularly into giving him blowjobs -- fine by me. And I feel like I've been an attentive girlfriend to her, seeing to her needs. But while they are being satisfied two or three times a week, I go a week plus sometimes. (Occasionally, there's play with me which does not result in an orgasm for me and I'm not counting those times right now -- it's important I think.)

As we settle in together, I feel like if she approaches me independently, I have to be "in the mood" because I don't know when I'm going to get any attention from her again. And sometimes, she makes me feel like I'm greedy-grabby, wanting to have sex with her all the time. As though I'm approaching her enough that she feels she can turn me down.

I think some of it boils down to this: he leaves for work every morning. She works from home. I'm home, but don't work. So, I'm an "easy commodity" I guess. He's not, so she's pouncing on him in the AM before work and/or in the PM after work. I'm always welcome, but I don't get as hot-and-bothered by the whole blow job thing (sensitive gag reflex and a tiny mouth) -- and while I do like penetration, I do not orgasm from it, which sometimes just makes me feel dumb. He can get off, she can get off and there I am, left hanging and raring to go... and they are done.

I find I'm distancing myself from them when I think time is limited and she's getting into it with him -- I don't want yet another episode of "Zephyr didn't orgasm" or yet one more time where my own feelings are exacerbated by feeling left out.

I know me distancing myself isn't helping things. We've talked about this whole situation. And I've felt "under the spotlight" a little when they both decide to "focus on Zephyr". And some conversations on this topic have resulted in fights (which we're stilling learning how to handle with each other).

I'd be fine with them having play-time alone, without me, as long as there was a general reciprocity: she and me or he and me. But she insists on me being there.

Recently, we've talked about how she "got her stubborn on" and refused to give up until I did have an orgasm -- that was working for a while. Then, just the other night, she said, "Do you want me to be stubborn, or do you want to watch a movie?" (Or words to that effect.) In the clear light of day, I can see that I should have said what I was feeling, "Be stubborn, dammit!" But when she made it a choice, I felt she was saying, "I don't want to work that hard tonight," and I backed away and we watched a movie.

So, I'm left feeling:
  1. I can't really talk, for fear of starting a fight (which, so far, I feel I always lose)
  2. Left out because I'm slow
  3. That she really doesn't desire me -- or desire to please me
  4. That he's getting all he needs from her, so why come to me at all
  5. I'd really just like to leave the room, but I'm afraid of that starting a fight -- despite the fact that she expects us to let her leave the room if we're playing and she has a wiggins moment.

This is all starting to fester and I don't know how to break it down. All the words in the world about being beautiful and desireable don't really matter when my body is left "in the lurch" and when neither of my partners is coming to me for my needs.

I feel extremely silly and stupid that all this is bugging me so much. How do I deal?

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