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Old 02-11-2011, 04:21 PM
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MMMark MMMark is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
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Fri. 11/02/11 11:22 EST
. post #10

Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
I guess I am just looking for others' thoughts on how to move past sexual feelings, or potential ones, in friendships where the potential for "more" is known or possible.
First of all, your composition is beautiful. Punctuation, grammar, sentence structure, all perfect. Do you write for a living? I found only one error, a typo:
Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
The first has made my heart heart [sic] on so many occasions...
I assume you meant "heart hurt"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
He needs a friend. I'd like it to be me.
But, would he like it to be you? Or, does he want "friendship with benefits"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
However, as I recall he initiated the being distant thing, likely because he sensed he would get hurt if we got any closer or had any more tension without anything happening.
This I understand, I think. He wants to have sex with you, which is not forthcoming. So, he is trying to "break his addiction" to you. It's no fun.

Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
He doesn't know we're poly, he has no idea about the woman I dated last year,...
Perhaps he feels that he must "compete" for you, and also feels that he cannot succeed at this game, which would partially explain his anger and frustration. Perhaps telling him you are poly might go a long way in dissipating the angst he feels towards your fiancee? On the other hand, doing this might re-ignite his "courtship confidence," a situation you might not be entirely comfortable with.

If you "had a crazy crush" on him, then you must have some (unrevealed) reason for not telling him you're poly and "following through." Are you afraid that revealing this will scare him away, or turn him off?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
I don't have any friends, really, and ... it'd be really good and healthy for me to actually make some instead of thinking about the relationship/secondary potential in every man and woman I meet.
Hmmm, this confuses me a bit. You seem to imply here that someone can offer you either "friendship" or "relationship potential," but not both. This seems like a false dichotomy to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
At this point, I know it'd be bad to get involved with either of these men, and when I think about it, I don't want to.
By "get involved," I take it you mean "sexually involved"? Is your reason for avoiding this type of involvement lack of sexual desire, or something else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
...I think (the first male in question) could never be involved in a polyamorous relationship, putting aside the fact that he and I shouldn't embark on one (for reasons I won't get into, but we can't).
Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
I still DO have pangs of romantic love for the first guy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
I had a fleeting romantic crush on (a second friend), but it dissipated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by VelvetFedora View Post
In the case of the second, I'd like to make it clear it will not go past friendship.
So, the situation is:

You want a sexual and friend relationship with the first guy, but feel that you "shouldn't embark on one" and he "could never be involved in a polyamorous relationship."

You DON'T want a sexual relationship with the second guy, but you still want a friendship. He wants both.


I have no advice at this point, but I can offer a true story.

Recently, a friend of mine (let's call her X) was approached by an old friend of hers (let's call him Y). Y tells X he's always been attracted to her, and he would like to start a sexual relationship. X tells me she doesn't find Y sexually attractive, and has only ever regarded him as a friend. What should she do?

I tell X to give it a try. Tentanda Via.

So, she gives it a try.

After a week, they are in love and having the most wonderful relationship and the time of their lives. Sex is fantastic, laughter, travelling, dining and dancing, everything. And, they are still best friends, maybe even better than before.

True story.
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