Sex drive, love & confusion
What do you know about this matter? Let me tell you my story:
This is the continuation of my two other threads (search this forum for "imagination"). In short, my girl friend Claudia and me were involved in a few threesomes with a friend of mine and she fell in love with him (one could say). But his interest was rather sexually, so he doesn't really want so much contact to her. At a party a few weeks ago, Jan was kissing and hugging another woman and told her to leave them alone, this was very sad for Claudia. She still loves him.
Recently, I had a threesome with Jan and his love affair (not the one mentioned above), Susanne, who is visiting him (she lives far away). First, I should have told Claudia before. Second I appreciate the openness of Stephan and Susanne to share with me and I chose to join, so I can't really complain. But the same as the threesomes before, this was exclusively about sex. I get the feeling, this is about dominance and conquest to some part, and again I felt overcharged. What I had rather liked to experience would have been cuddling and hugging and so on. Nevertheless, I joined the sex game.
I still feel attracted to Susanne and she is a person I love and admire and it was very special to be with her. So the next day, I felt like I was in a void and i was sad. So, somehow, I might feel like Claudia with Jan. If Jan would been have really more interested in Claudia, this would have been a poly relationship. I see now (once again), the differnce between a plane open relationship or swinging and polyamory. My problem is, that I very likely behave in accordance to rather superficial sexual attraction.
What I realize is, that women notice this and this is why I didn't find any partner (be it sexually or otherwise) in the past months. So lately I focused more on self love and on just paying attention and talking to women. And soon this meeting with Jan and Susanne took place. I will try to get close slowely and carefully and only date a woman that I love. Besides, just touching each other without asking for any more, I think it is something which this society lacks.
A problem for me is, that I don't want to restrict myself, to decide in advance. Yet regarding to sexuality, not acting too fast could be a good principle. If someone insists on a one night stand, it is not someone for me. I wonder, how could I try (and have done in the past) sexual encounters with women I didn't love, but whom I observed as being nice or good looking or interesting in some other way? Problems must arise then. Yet, with sexuality, it's not so easy, because it always means joy to some degree. Yet like Red Pepper said, one should think to whom one want to open up so much. I felt really touched by Susanne, now there nothing, I didn't know her before and I hope that we at least can get along with each other or may be, become friends (unfortunately, she goes back home soon). What I didn't like with this latest threesome was, that my pleas to slow down and just to caress each other were ignored, and almost ridiculed. Yet to fondle each other in a loving way can be more intimate than having sex. The most intimate moment I had with susanne was when I lay on her side and I merged with her in a very pleasent way.
What I forgot to write about, how Claudia reacted, when I told her, what had happened the night before. She was really mad for a few hours. Then she calmed down an forgave me. I'm really thankful for that.
She still rejects the idea of a poly relationship, yet it feels like, she is open about alternative ways and with Jan, this was proven. Unfortuntely, I guess she still suffers from the rejection. And sometimes Claudia denoted, that she might agree with poly. She is ambiguous. I'm afraid to talk with her and I know I should. It is not so easy, she feels uncomfortable or gets angry when I mention the topic. Though I'm sure, to open up to other lovers solves tensions (already did) in our relationship and even my latest experience somehow revealed truth. I don't want to end the relationship with Claudia and I love her and at the same time, I would like to share my love with someone else (whom I could interact wiht in a different way than with Claudia, may be, someone who is about as old as I am and not nearly 15 years younger).
The most important thing I have learned lately is that love for myself is different from love to others, it reflects directly. When I'm patient and loving with myself, the same applies to others. It is not easy to deal with my esperience with Jan and Susanne and I tend to blame myself for what happened. No, I love myself for who I am, even if I feel inadequate – or more so because of it.