Originally Posted by redpepper
I get what you are saying here I think and that is, instead of pushing the issue by just doing it, when do you come back and say "It's not working?" It's a weird thing to have to say when it is so wrapped up in emotion, connection and confusion on all sides.....
When do you get to say, "um, I can't agree to those boundaries that I thought I could before crossing them...?" When? After you cross them. That is when. At least that is what I see. I think that there needs to be room for that and some lea way...
Does anyone know themselves that well?
One forgets when making boundaries that there are other people in play....
I intuitively feel him as I do others and rise to his need for closeness and delight in that as much as I do other people who are close in my life.
All of what you wrote it meaningful-but to start-I pulled a few things out that caught my eye.
I think many of the "battles" over boundary breaking happen for exactly this reason that you state. We really don't know ourselves well enough to know for sure that we can meet those boundaries unless we've "hit the boundary" and either crossed it-or not.
Unfortunately it sort of makes the idea of boundaries (as many perceive them) silly. Because the idea is to let someone know "I can not handle if you cross THIS line"-they agree, but then they cross the line and say, "I'm sorry, I can't not cross that line.." the first person is already hurt. The damage has already been done.
Makes me wonder if it wouldn't be better to establish boundaries with a somewhat tighter rein than we are comfortable with -which goes against the grain for me. .... I don't know. I think this topic is a huge one....
I too struggle with intuitively feeling the needs of those I love and "automatically" wanting to fulfil them. I find myself slammed against our boundaries often due to this. So I totally get what you are saying about that.