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Old 02-10-2011, 06:25 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,397

Originally Posted by CeleryPerhaps View Post
Is this "This is how I am, and if you want to love me than this is how it will be" mentality normal?
I don't know if it is normal, but it feels very healthy to me. You should be honest about your limits from the get go and not take anything less. For instance, if that's the way she wants things to be, and you feel uncomfortable with it, but you decide to have a relationship anyways, it's possible that you two will never work out and just end up miserable.
If you're honest about what works for you and what doesn't, though, you can simply drop it before you are too invested, making it easier.

I think one thing about poly is the "no scarcity" mentality. Because we fall in love relatively often and form new relationships, etc, I think a lot of us don't see it as much in a "the one" kind of mentality. You can love someone who loves you too, and that doesn't necessarily mean that you should or could get together. Some people are just incompatible.

A lot of people seem very desperate to do things they don't really want to do in order to make sure they don't lose the other person. But it seems to me, they already have lost them if that person's personal growth requires things that make them uncomfortable.

Compromises make a lot of sense, and you can't have everything 100% your way. But compromises should be made on things that you don't feel too strongly about, or both sides will end up feeling resentful of the other, because neither of them is getting what would make them happy. Compromises should be more along the lines of "I give up this thing that drives you crazy and that I don't really care about, and you give up that thing that drives me crazy and that you don't really care about". The "midway" compromise rarely works.
For instance "you want sex once a week, I want sex every day, we have sex three to four times a week". What will happen is probably that the person with the lower sex drive either won't do it because they're just not in the mood, and not keeping their word will make them feel like crap, or that they'll force it and feel like crap. And the person with the higher sex drive will still be sexually frustrated either way.
However, a compromise along the lines of "since you want more sex than I can provide, you can get it from somewhere else, as long as..." with some conditions (for instance "I don't wanna know about it" or "I wanna know about it", "not in our bed", "still be home every night and be there for the kids", you name it.

In that instance, the person with the lower sex drive has a choice: having more sex, letting their partner have more sex outside the relationship, or, if neither solution seems satisfactory or something they can deal with, end the relationship.
But the true compromise is the one that works, because low-sex-drive actually doesn't care that their partner has sex elsewhere, and high-sex-drive-doesn't care that their sex isn't fully provided by their one partner. If that's not the case, then that won't work.

Do you see where I'm getting at here? You might think saying "I'm like this, take it or leave it" is a very in-your-face attitude, but it's good to be honest about it instead of hiding it, being miserable and painfully breaking up later on.
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