Originally Posted by preciselove
It feels worse I'm guessing because the first guy was being "replaced" by you in your mind when you met her. So you feel like the victor since she chose you "most recently" . Now after having met you and been with you she has found someone else. In a way it's part of that feeling like "I wasn't enough for her", which obviously you aren't, because she's into open poly.
Yea, This is one of the things I considered. I really would hate to break it all down to some competition, where I want to be the victor but the sad reality is that may just be what it is. If that's the case, It's just something I need to see if I can get over mentally, and be happy with my "role" in the relationship.
Originally Posted by redpepper
It sounds to me that this is either going too fast or that you are concerned about having your time with her taken away. Some might say that you should just go out and find others to fill that time and that might be valid at stage in life, but it could also be possible that you care and love her more than she is willing to accept or invest in.
This was something that I hadn't considered, that things ARE moving very fast. I was feeling uneasy about finding a new partner (especially the idea of throwing myself into the world of dating with a new "poly" label, and exposing myself to rejection when I'm already feeling kind of rejected in the relationship). I think I'm going to bring this up, that finding another partner is not an option right now, I'm not ready.
You also mentioned that there's no shame in bringing up boundaries. I'm worried about this, because when I initially brought up that I was feeling jealous and hurt by her seeing this new fellow, I was told that she loved me, she didn't want to lose me but she would understand if I couldn't handle a poly relationship. Is this "This is how I am, and if you want to love me than this is how it will be" mentality normal? This is my first and only exposure to poly relationship dynamics and within it I feel like telling someone you don't want them to see a 3rd partner is a major faux pas and controlling. This seems kind of confirmed by the fact that her original partner seems to have no problem with her dating this new guy.
Oh, and thanks so much for the words of advice and wisdom so far!