Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG
The question is...to what ends? That is our ultimate dilemma is it not? Growing and learning are words used to describe what goal?
If I may, can a play a bit of devil's advocate? I could be wrong but when I read this I think that budging, growing and learning are directly related to me relaxing my boundaries around men entering our lives. To me (and I would suspect a lot of mono people) that would not be growth...but a sacrifice that I will ultimately have to look very hard at if I am to be in your life the way I am today. What else could these words refer to in the context of this thread?
Correct me if I am wrong RP - but I think you meant that both of you need to grow and learn... just as Mono needs to find a way to allow you to be yourself in complete freedom, and trust that you will not behave in ways to damage yourself or your relationship with him... RP also needs to grow and learn how to achieve that within herself, how to feel that freedom to be herself within the confines of what Mono is comfortable with...
having said that... there seems to be a great deal of work that needs to be done here, and the control factor from Mono is a huge red flag for me personally... however that is a trigger point for me and may not be a problem for RP or anyone else...
It is highly likely that Mono will feel like there is more stretching and growing to do on his side of the fence as very much the boundaries of a mono relationship require exclusivity from the partner... without that - the physical relationship is devalued.... in this case there are other members involved - but clearly the exclusive tag applies to no new sexual male partners after Mono... whether or not RP pursues something here or not - this is an issue that is highly likely to crop up again in the future...
However, that is very much a control thing... what each partner does should not be under the control of the other, or at least the depth of the committed relationship should not be in jeopardy because one partner acts on their own (known and accepted) nature... I don't know if my wording here works for what I am trying to get across...
I am very interested in the conversation and ideas pouring out on this thread - it is very valuable to all of us in mono/poly relationships...
I found this ideology today and thought it might be appropriate here:
The power to choose is uniquely human. We all have a high interest in shaping the course of our lives making the right choices and pursuing what is important to us. One commonly held view regards choice as merely reacting to, or selecting among, the existing options.
Choice is a profoundly human ability to create. When choice is understood and known in this way, what had previously seemed simply part of the way things are inevitable or impervious to change appears in a new light. We find ourselves able to choose to have a say about who we are and who we will be, as the author of our lives in any and all situations.
I am curious about whether the choice can be made to really embrace the positions you each chose... RP chose to include Mono in her family knowing he could not fully embrace her for who she is (although he would definitely make the attempt).... Mono chose to join the family knowing that RP would by her own nature constantly be seeking the freedom to be herself with others, as well as him (although she would make the attempt to not bring in more males). Both of these positions require that you both adapt in ways uncomfortable for you... but something needs to be taken into consideration here...
for a mono (and I am just spouting my own opinion here - so please correct me if I am way off) in this situation... the terms here are somewhat comfortable and required some growth (not denying the huge pains processed through) but were largely attainable as the terms fit in with this particular person's subconscious needs/wants... however,
for a poly (again - my own opinion) in this situation... the terms require a HOLDING IN, a RESTRICTION OF SELF and SELF EXPRESSION... so not growth per se but rather an anti-growth... (again not denying the huge and painful transformations and understandings reached by RP about herself, which can be viewed as growth in self acceptance, and understanding), which goes against not only her nature.... but also the nature of most humans - whether mono or poly.
Feel free to now tear to shreds what I have just said