@redpepper: Interesting point, thank you for your comment.
The title I used for this thread was probably not a good choice, I guess. I chose it because I think that underneath it all there is a polyamorous relationship hiding, simply because he loves two people equally much at the same time. The way we live it, couldn't be further away from a poly relationship in my understanding and is in fact a complete disaster, I absolutely agree with you. Just the fact that his relationship with her restricts my relationship with him in some way completely contradicts my understanding of polyamory relationships. So no poly relationship here, of course.
I made it clear to him that the only two ways for me to stay away from having sex with people I find attractive, is if either they don't want sex with me or I stay away from them physically. I have neither the self-control nor any reason to resist and he knows it. I have not once tried to seduce him though after he told me he will not have sex with me no longer. But of course I still want sex with him because I love him. And as for me, this is something between the two of us, so I see no reason for me to hold back if he offers me sex. In my opinion (and he agrees with me on that) it is his responsibility to make this work with his life, so having made this decision to be her boyfriend he has to decide whether he is strong enough to control himself or if we should transform our relationship into a non-physical one. Both would be fine with me.
It's pretty obvious that this won't work, that's why I said that the final word hasn't been spoken yet. He will tell her about the cheating next time they meet in May (they have a long-distance relationship). I think though he should tell her sooner, so she can make her own decision if under these circumstances she still wants to travel all the way to see him. He was also trying to hide the decision he has made with her from me until we met again (we also live a bit apart), but I managed to find it out a little earlier. But I can only tell him my opinion, it's not my job to make his decisions or tell her, I don't know her and I wouldn't even know how to contact her. Anyway, our relationship will become non-physical, their relationship will open up, or he will find a way to learn how to control himself. We'll see what happens.
Originally Posted by Carma
For some reason I was just wondering about his public relationship with you, if that is a factor or not. She is his legit "girlfriend," so does that mean she gets to spend time with his family, or live with him, or share his resources, etc, while you are the girl on the side? That may be ok for you now but someday you might want a partner who you can stand beside, and who can be there for you as well.
I don't know what they plan for their future, I guess they even don't know themselves yet as they also just got to know each other last year. But of course, I'm fine with that, as this relationship doesn't keep me from building up close relationships with other people. And I will love this guy no matter what. I don't love him for the role I'm allowed to play in his life, I love him for who he is. And if he chose to never see me again, I would still love him from the bottom of my heart, as I do with many other people who have left my life long time ago. I think he makes a lot of mistakes in this current situation, but I would never judge him, as we all make mistakes. Me too, of course, I'm not holy. Not yet
Originally Posted by Carma
I'm not judging your man, or your situation, believe me, just writing off the top of my head! (For one thing, I've set myself up for plenty of guilt in my lifetime! Trying to avoid it as best I can, these days!) I don't like it when people make assumptions about my situation, so please don't be offended by my questions/musings, because truly, that's all they are.
Oh, that's fine, don't worry, I can handle that!
I shouldn't write in a public forum if I can't handle opposing opinions
I see them as what they are: Other people's opinions. I will reflect about them and see if I can agree with them, learn something from them or not. I'm really happy when people tell me what they truly feel or think, so please feel free to let it all out without holding anything back