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Old 02-10-2011, 07:50 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
A workable compromise is one that actually works for all of those involved. If you need space from those two while they're together, then any working solution has to provide you with that space. You are responsible for making certain any solution works for you.

So, any proposed solutions that fail to keep you comfortable enough to stay engaged at the level you were are non-starters. It may, indeed, require that you be less engaged in group activities to stay comfortable.

Added: No solution can consist, in whole or part, of somebody saying to someone else, in effect "Well, you have to change for this to work."
This is so full of stuff AT! I agree a workable compromise has to include room in it for things like space away from the group. He suggests that he is not involved with the group any more as a way to gain that space. Unfortunately, Leo's wife and I are not interested in this scenario as we both cherish our family camp outs too much. Leo has told me that he will be in shit if she finds out that he has fucked up and we are not ever going to hang out all of us again. Not only would I be disappointing myself in agreeing to his compromise, but I will be left with guilt because it won't work for the wife or the others for that matter also.

Mono was smart to ask for this to be considered. I love him for it. It is a brave step that gives me hope. He is responsible to make sure that the solution works for him... as I said earlier though, sometimes boundaries/compromises can not be known to work unless they are pushed a little. What if he is suggesting something that will push way too far. Right now I am not willing to test that out, but I appreciate it as an option for the future just the same.

Neither of us have to change, but we do need to budge a little and grow and learn about ourselves over time I think. I have agreed to budge a lot in order to try some different things out first, in honour of learning about myself... we shall see how long that lasts...
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