As the slow one in the relationship and as the one playing games ( intentional or not) I thought I would weigh in on this thread.
I feel that if you already have a SIGNIFICANT relationship established ( especially one that directly effects the well being of children) and you decide that you need to be Poly ( or any number of different alernative lifestyles) you should be OPEN to slowing down to the speed of the other partner. If your intent is to maintain that first relationship.
That is not to say that I feel that the slowest person should not put in the work and effort to "move forward". I have and do put in the work and effort to move things forward. If someone was to look back over the last few years, the changes would seem very significant. I think we ALL have a hard time seeing the extent of the change and growth that has ACTUALLY happened.We tend to look at what hasnt changed or what we dont have yet and dont spend as much energy looking at what has changed and what we do have. We look at a single set back as an eraser that removes all the progress. That, to me is as bad as purposfully dragging your feet in order to pretend or hope that things change.
I can say that I have issues with insecurities ( that dont have anything to do with Poly or GG and LR's Poly Relationship) and I have used my pain from the affair as a cope out for dealing with those issues. Its my comfortable defense to run away and move out when I dont WANT to deal with those insecurities.
I think that LR's point is valid. Each circumstance/relationship warrants unique speeds of change and growth.I dont think its possible to say, absolutly, that you should go at the speed of the slowest person and I dont think that you can say you should go at what ever pace you want.
The real question , as I see it, is how much work and effort and understanding are you willing to put in to the relationship in order to give to eachothers needs? Are you willing to go at any speed that is needed, in either direction?
Just my two cents.
" NO WORDDIES BE HAPPY"- My 2 year old baby girl