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Old 02-10-2011, 02:19 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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Location: Alaska
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First-I have to say, I really appreciate the way you are blunt about your own shortcomings (as seen through the eyes of yourself). I think many of us could benefit from learning to be more open about our own shortcomings as percieved by ourselves about ourselves and as seen by others about ourselves.

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This is an ongoing internal debate for me and one I see no easy solution for.
Understood, that's part of why I think it's worthy of attention. I find myself struggling also with things that aren't as simple as "either or". Yet continuing to feel pressure from within myself and from others to accept either/or....

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I would be taking a risk for sure but if it is one that needs to be taken to ensure Redpepper's health I would entertain it.
I think this deserves great respect. It's my impression that both you and RP have a willingness to attempt to take risks of your own to attempt to ensure each other's well-being. I find this admirable. I also think it's worth looking at a few more times-the FACT that you two do that. It seems to me that the longevity of your relationship is based more upon you each having that willingness, than on the fact that you have found common ground.... that sounds wrong....
I think you find a "more suitable" common ground together because of both of you being willing to make this effort... whereas if one or the other or both of you were unwilling-you would not find those odd "common-er grounds" and be unable to sustain a relationship with one another....

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The only other option I see is to reshape our relationship similar to the one she has with her ex-wife....but I don't want that.
Nor does she correct?

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I have to protect my own emotional health as well though and our needs seem to cause damage to each other if fully embraced. Imagine if I said "I need you to be monogamous..as in one partner? We'd be fucked for sure...no if, ands, or buts.
Yes, likewise if she said she needed you to be polyamorous as in having other partners, you'd be fucked for sure as well. no if, ands, or butts...
SO-here we are again facing the-
it's not as easy as either/or...
So is it that so many of us are blinded to what all is between the either and the or.... or are we refusing to turn and see it... or does it really not exist...

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When I say I would need to consider myself secondary it definitely does not imply Redpepper becomes secondary...there is no secondary in a monos heart...only primary.
I've come to understand that (mostly through talking with you actually. But, I think that this is a difficult concept for some people and so they percieve a meaning that isn't there when their mono partner asks to pull back to a secondary position... does that make sense?
I know for me-that's what happened. My perception of what his actions meant, and his intended meaning-were NOT anywhere close to being on par with each other.

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What it does do is creates a sense that the relationship is more casual than committed which in turn lowers the need to have love returned in the same way it is given - with exclusivity.
This also was part of my issue. I didn't want to be seen as "casual" to GG. He's not a casual partner to me and I've HAD casual partners since he entered my life. I don't want others to percieve him as that nor do I want people to see me as that in his life.
Of course I had to accept that others will see each of us anyway they damn well please. But it helped a lot when he was able to explain that he didn't see me as casual.. but that's another topic.

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It's a distortion of reality that does in fact indicate an inability to deal with reality. Yes...I said I would not be truly dealing with reality. Think medicated if you will...but if medication gets you through the day then so be it.
So-on that note-is it ok with you to know that you aren't facing reality (not "right now-I mean at all)? Because my perception of you is that, much like me, you are constantly seeking a better understanding of yourself and acceptance of yourself as well as having a strict desire to see and understand reality.
If this is correct, then that compromise will ultimately fail. It may work for a short time, but eventually your mind will overpower the decision and demand that you face the reality for your own sense of sanity. At that point-who the hell knows what will happen....
Do you see that as a risk? I know it would be for me. Cause I've done it... too often I fear. ;(


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As long as you are healthy in accepting that un-reality and everyone is more happy then sad I see this as possible.
At least theoretically true, but I know I wouldn't be healthy accepting an un-reality.... I'd get tweaked about what reality was. Start playing mind tricks and games on myself and screw up my sense of self...

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Do I think this is perfect? Not a chance, but what really is?
Nothing. Nothing is perfect. That's why we struggle on yes?

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Lots of people have no little or no interaction with metamours and aren't required to. Why would this be any different?
My gut reaction is because you are avoiding it in order to pretend it's not there... I could be wrong. It's one thing to accept something and simply not encounter it much. I adore Maca's ....whatever she is at this point. She's amazing. I rarely see or talk to her, but only because time and circumstance don't allow for it, not out of a need to avoid.

SHIT.I gotta run to the store.
I'll try to finish later.

XOXOXOOXOXO
to you all!
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