Wowzers. She sounds like a drama queen. I'm sure you love her dearly but geesh, a bit self centered and a bit of princess no? You are a patient man. I'd be long gone.
Careful that you don't play into the whole thing too much. You do have YOU to think about. It's not okay for her to think that you exist for her benefit. What kind of quality of life will you have....
My parents have a similar dynamic and it has gone on my whole life. Frankly I'm absolutely sick of it. My Dad is a wonderful, rational, heart felt, grounded and always positive man. He has stood by my mum's side for years and years and put up with her whining, negativity, and blow ups when things don't go her way. He has sacrificed a lot to see her happy. He thinks he can make her happy and that she will be happy. I told him recently (because of the big blow out we just had ... see the thread on that if you want details... "redpepper needing support") that she never will as she has never works on her misery.
She has never had counseling or had any medication. Not that I am a big fan of medications, but she comes from a long line of depressed women (something I am fighting tooth and nail not to become!) and could use the boost with lots of counseling to get anywhere. She is in her 60's now and it has been their dynamic way too long I fear. I can't imagine they would know what to do with themselves if they actually changed and grew!
You are still both young. You can make those changes before it becomes a well trodden path. My husband says it's like cross country skiing (we live in Canada, can you tell?
) you travel on a ski path often enough it becomes well established and worn. It becomes comfortable and easy to ski on. If the path is a good one then this is a good thing. If it is a path that isn't healthy then it is very hard to break the edge of it and ski in a new direction... still. It is possible.