Originally Posted by AutumnalTone
That's not the case, though. To be accurate, it's a situation where everybody arrives at the beginning of the trail and then somebody says "I want to hike the 20-mile route, instead--do you want to come with me?"
Then the others get to decide if they want to take the other route or continue on without their companions on the 2-mile trail.
And if monogamy is something you need in your life more than you need that person then the two of you are not compatible.
Seriously, it is a matter of guaging compatibility. *Nobody* is forced to do poly nor forced to remain in a relationship as a mono with a poly partner.
It's a tough decision to make, certainly. Neither position (poly or mono) is any more noble than the other, though.
EACH PARTNER is presumed to be an adult in these relationships. Therefore they have equal responsibility and opportunity to choose.
I've seen it go both ways-where the Mono was saying "I don't want to stay and I don't want to go" and where the Poly was saying "I don't want to stay and I don't want to go". As well as seeing it where a poly said they were going to live mono and ended up breaking rules AND where a mono said they were going to live poly and ended up breaking rules. (call 'em boundaries or agreements in this case it's just an example)
In my personal life I didn't figure it all out or work it out before talking to Maca. I shared it with him as soon as I understood the WORD-not the depth.
I asked him to consider his feelings/needs/desires and then we could sit and discuss where to go from here. I assured him that if divorce was what we decided I would settle with him out of court, with no fight.
He took 4 months, said he was "all in". Started looking for a girlfriend.
BUT-in the months that followed, he has continued to waffle back and forth about whether or not he IS actually ok with it. He admits that he's PERFECTLY ok with him having other lovers. But he's NOT ok with me having GG. So after a year of hell, we're worse off than we were when we started. Our whole family is suffering because he says he cant live like this-moves out for a few weeks, moves back again saying he was wrong and doesn't know what the hell he was thinking-then repeat.....
THAT would be the "mono" who can't fucking decide what the hell they REALLY want. He already knows that HE has insecurity issues that have NOTHING TO DO WITH GG-but are triggered by my relationship with GG. He can claim til he's blue that I have wronged him in some way-but he knows that is a lie as well-and willingly admits it when he's not in a bent.
He hasn't dealt with his personal issues about his childhood and life-they're screwing up his life, and the rest of the family's life too.
ALL of this because (claimed) because he wanted to be "Primary". I haven't plowed ahead of anything we've agreed to and in fact he's plowed ahead of me in "poly"... but he's the one who repeatedly decides to drag his feet and throw a fit and say we need to go slower for his comfort.
There is no "one size fits all" in this.
In some situations the mono does get the shitty stick.
In some the poly gets the shitty stick.
In still others both partners keep their heads out of their asses, continue to work daily on their own personal b.s. and manage to find the path to their success....