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Old 02-09-2011, 07:13 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603

Ok I'm gonna jump in here because I think I know you a little and I kind of feel like you're getting picked on a bit.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I'm using myself as an example to take on this thread:

Recently the issue of compromising on boundaries has come up for Redpepper and me. One of the ways I offered to create more freedom in her level of intimacy with Leo was for me to pull away from some group activities that we share as families. Admittedly, part of this is because I cannot effectively deal with the reality of how intimate they were and would like to continue being. Fair enough, like an Ostrich I burrow my head into the sand. I also know this would likely result in me being less active in a broader spectrum of poly environments/activities once again to avoid reminders or triggers which might make my issues around this topic flare. I think I would become more live in boyfriend with a separate/more introverted social life.
From what I know of you Mono you wouldn't feel much of a loss having a more introverted social life. I don't know that you would really lose anything from being less engaged with the larger community. I hope that this pull back from the community wouldn't extend to me as I enjoy your company and I would miss you. I can even see that it might be a temporary thing to let wounds, for lack of a better word, heal. If you're having to confront things all the time that are causing a flare up of emotion for you you're never going to be able to allow it all to settle. Sometimes the road to a new normal is extremely difficult.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Essentially I would be stepping myself back into a more "secondary" role in order to deal with more openness for Redpepper. She would get something and I would get something. Compromise?

I have read of other posters on here who also want to be viewed as more secondary to cope with their partners other relationships. They too encounter resitance in the face of being asked to accept new relationships.
I know that you like to label yourself in terms of relationship. If it makes it easier for you to consider yourself secondary then why not? Although I don't know that anyone else would percieve you in that way. You were talking at one point about how much daily impact a relationship has in terms of primary/secondary ect. By your own definition you are a primary partner to RP, you share daily life, she and PN and LB all expect you to be there and rely on you for some of the day to day functioning of their lives.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Yes, the dynamic of the relationship changes but it also changes with the addition of new partners. Is it "fair" to expect no change in current partner dynamics in light of the desire to change the dynamic by adding new ones?
Is it fair to ask existing partners to "not" change when they are themselves being asked to accept change?

If both people are getting some of what they want while still maintaining relationships that they both get something that not feasible? Is that not what compromise is about?

I'd like to try to stay somewhat on target with this because I know there will be a tendency to ask "why don't you work on getting over this issue as opposed to avoiding it through stepping back". Been there…will be there again I am sure

Peace and Love
Change is the only constant in life. Sometimes it really sucks that things have to change no matter how much you want them to stay the same. I think that you and RP are at the point where there is going to be change. You've both got to the place that compromise means giving up a part of who you are. I'm not sure what that means yet. I'm not comfortable with the uncertainty being the way it is and I'm just on the periphery.

Is it possible to step back for a 6 month period or so and then revisit how it's working for both of you? Who knows how things are going to feel down the line. Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing, but then again maybe that is how it has to be. You won't know until you try it out and see what works. There is no instruction manual on how to work relationships, let alone poly/mono relationships. I love you both (although in your case, platonically ) and I really hope that you're able to work this whole thing out in such a way that you both come out happy and healthy with your needs being met on the other side.
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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