I believe we had a breakthrough last night into understanding greeneyes feelings of anxiety, and how I play into that and can help reduce those feelings =-) It came on the heels of what could have been (I think) a huge fight, but we stayed in it together, and it turned out really good and even included some really passionate and good feeling love-makin' ;-)
The central issue was shame. greeneyes read something I had written on here and felt shame and fear. She went past me crying (while I had been masturbating), so then I felt shame and fear. She was in the shower then and didn't want to talk when I asked her what was wrong, so then my imagination goes in a completely bad direction. More shame =-(
When greeneyes comes out of the shower, she explains she was having a panic attack, and what she read that sent her in that direction. It turns out not to mean what she thinks, and what she thinks turns out not to be what I am thinking. So everything is seemingly ok, and greeneyes is curious to hear, and I am willing to tell what I was thinking about while I was off having my little fantasy time.
Well, it turns out that hearing my fantasy triggers feelings of both arousal and shame in greeneyes - very reminiscent of the feelings of sexual assault =-( I, of course, did not intend to make her feel this way. She, of course, did nothing wrong but merely listened. Nonetheless, both of us ended up feeling terrible afterwards =-(
But we did talk about it. And the thing we are doing now is working with more defined boundaries while getting in better touch with those internal barometers of what feels ok, and what doesn't. So greeneyes set some parameters within which she would feel comfortable, and the two of us headed for the bedroom where we played with each other while I told her a sexy story until the point where we kind of just needed to concentrate on the fucking, LOLZ!
So far, so good, we'll see what the aftermath is this morning, but I have positive hopes =-)