Oh yes - I've spent absurd amounts of money (ironically inherited from said parents) on counselling to sort through the mess they non-deliberately caused. These days, I'm more self-counselling, as there's enough straightforward love coming up from the inside now to do that.
And these days, I'm not running so much (I'm inclined towards caring risk-taking - it's very healthy!), just making sure I'm aware of the urge to run (whether towards or away from
), and what's behind that.
When I'm alone and intimate with someone, whether it's a man or a woman, there's a part of me who can quite easily feel scared of being overwhelmed, and that part tends to feel 'used' - which can lead to me being angry and the partner being hurt and confused by that. Just recently I've been seeing someone, and found this coming up again, but much more manageably than in the past (this is my first sexual/intimate outing since I started dealing with my mum-stuff). So I'm much more able to contain the fear/anger stuff if it arises, but also aware that it's likely to pop up whoever I'm with.
What I wrote about in my original post above is meant as speculative thought. It seems possible to me that I want two lovers partly because I'm afraid of being alone with one. It seems possible to me that I want two lovers (and I definitely would like one of each) partly as a healing from my upbringing. It seems possible to me that neither of these possibilities matters all that much, and that they're just factors in any equation of me and intimacy with someone/two. I don't really need to know for certain, I just need to keep this live in my mind, so that I don't get too many surprises if and when I get together with someone/two properly in the future.