Originally Posted by yoxi
I felt like writing this 'out loud' here, because I wonder if anyone else has a similar experience of self-questioning in relation to polyamory.
One of the reasons why I had to back out of this forum for a year or so was that I was dealing with a lot of unexpected issues to do with childhood sexual abuse. So now I'm on an acceptance-journey (or something less pretentious-sounding) about the fact of having been used for sex by both of my parents, independently of each other.
What I find myself wondering is how this relates to my life-long interest in polyamory. I'm sure it's not possible for it to be entirely unrelated, and in a way, the point of this is not to end up with a flow diagram, it's just been necessary for me to acknowledge some connexion there.
What I've come up with so far: on the one hand, there's fundamentally nothing extraordinary about wanting to be part of a loving triple (it's only culturally extraordinary in my culture). And on the other, there's a fear I experience when I'm alone with someone that perhaps drives me to want to be with two. I don't know why I should believe that I'd be less scared with two than with one (since I've yet to test this theory!) but I seem to. And fear is only part of the mix anyway, and not the governing part any more, thanks be to me.
The thing is, I know from experience that my abuse history impacts on my (so far monogamous) relationships, so it's reasonable to assume it will have some impact on any relationship I have, with one or more people. Not that I'm going to let that stop me from looking for the other two thirds of my dream triple(!) but it's important to me to keep some awareness around this.
So I wonder (and there's no pressure on any of us) whether any of you out there are dealing with similar questions, and would like to talk about them here.
I've asked myself similar questions about my relationships as an adult... Previous relationships were unbalanced... and lack of communication was a major issue. I took a break from relationships... learned a lot about myself and what I wanted. Then when I started dating.. I was challenged with new questions... ("you keep talking about your ex-, are you really over him?" ) Sometimes, my emotional reaction was proof that I wasn't ready for more. I learned to listen to my gut (and I still screw up and ignore it on occasion...)
So focusing on two others in the relationship... forces communication and creates a different energy.
Everything we bring to the relationship effects the relationship... the good, the bad, the ugly. This is what makes us who we are... and our journey and our lovers make us better people.