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Old 02-08-2011, 05:04 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,270

hi honestheart,
I've been in this a short time and married for 15yrs. My main concern is for my kids at the moment 10 and 13yr old. I am free to develop an outside relationship if I want to however I can't imagine that making me have more love and or affection for my wife I think the opposite would be true. You see in my case the time, dates, and even sex feels as it is being done out of fairness or obligation. Not an uncommon complaint or consequence of the poly lifestyle. I really don't want to go on a pity date, or have pity sex. At least right now... ask me in again in a couple of months that may change.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to be gym class... Mon Wed alternate Fridays. People say its NRE. That's all great however this a dynamic every action has reaction and or fallout.

Recently I suggested to my wife I take on the role of a secondary. That was met with some resistance which I don't understand yet... more work on my part.

Do you like endless Drama or any type of drama?? I coach 13yrs girls soccer and I was taking three of the girls somewhere and I ask where was the rest of the gang... two or three were missing. One said "the more girls the more drama".... I think this is very true when it comes to matters of the heart and with this its multiplied.

Do you mind sharing your partners time??? I do things very spontaneously which is not a great match for this type of relationship. I have to say I've all but stopped doing that after being told a few times she had other plans. I have no idea how some people have 3 or 4 partners from just the time standpoint alone.

How old are you? I'm not sure how it would be for each age range and gender but I can tell you for me ever since I stopped wearing my wedding band women at the health club and dog park are more chatty and the ladies that hang at my morning coffee shop seem to want to start up conversations.

I get the poly mind set... I think I had it in high school and college and up into my late 20's. I may have just burned myself out or something. If i do start some type of outside relationship I'm afraid my current one may look like more of a business partnership. Which is why I'm not actively pushing it.

You deserve to be happy... we all do. Really think what would make you happy. Some say their partner is worth the effort and pain/coping or whatever the correct word is for that situation. I look at it from a numbers stand point ...there's got to be hundreds or thousands or hundreds of thousands of potential partners that want to devote their full time and focus to you and you to them. Could be a better long term match. Short term if you're young? .....have fun, and see what happens.

I think being in secondary role has a lot of freedom and flexibility built into it. You can kind of shape what you want, or don't want. I've been invited to take a cross country motorcycle trip for years.... wife always thought too dangerous too expensive, or who knows what the truth is... bottom line she was against said trip. Now I don't give a shit what she thinks, if I want to go I'm going to go!

So Bottom line... BE HAPPY AND HAVE FUN regardless of the relationship dynamic. If poly works... great if it doesn't well that's ok Use your emotions as a guidance system to keep you on coarse. If it feels good, having fun go forward .... feeling pain, hurt, depression, guilt, time to check the gps and get back on the highlighted route. Good luck D
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