A Beautiful Path
I have been in a polyfidelitous triad with the two most wonderful women in the world for close to a year now. (We'll call them "the musician" and "the artist.") I was already dating the musician (who I knew was bi) when we met the artist and we three started down the most beautiful, life-changing path any of us have ever taken. I wanted to post here for the first time and offer my praise and support for all the polys out there in this big world, and tell you that I am proud of you all--for your courage, your compassion, and your self-confidence. This beautiful journey has been challenging for me at times--and all the more so at this point, since it is a long-distance relationship on all three sides (this will be only temporary). But I do think the distance has made certain facets easier to deal with--and quite frankly I think it would've been much more difficult if two of us were living together apart from the third.
I don't like to rank in order of importance the emotions and feelings I have, but the musician is and will perhaps always be my primary. We were very confident and strong in our monogomous relationship when we met the artist. My primary and I have not had this kind of discussion with the artist yet, and to be honest, things have been so equal and giving in terms of time, work, finance, and sexuality, that I don't think it is all that clear that there is in fact a heirarchy to how two of the three of us see the relationship. My question here is this: How important is it to try and define this facet of the musician and my relationship with the artist? Should she know that she is not the primary? This has been bugging me--but past experiences have taught me that some things are better felt and experienced than defined. I feel that it really is a finer point that we've managed to do without exploring during the past 11 months, but I do care a great deal about both partners, and I feel a twinge of guilt at not being completely honest. The musician and I have been talking of taking this relationship to the next level with the artist (i.e., the possibility of us coordinating our living arrangements, etc.)--but she and I would like to raise this topic as "pillow talk" rather than over the phone. I think the very real possibility of us three conjoining our lives is part of the reason I feel that twinge of guilt.
I look forward to hearing your helpful advice.