I am so sorry, DarkHorse, that you and your wife are struggling with this. Good for you, though, that you are standing fast and willing to work through it!
If she's so stressed out by these feelings of insecurity, guilt and self-doubt (self-hatred?), that she has uncontrollable physical spasms, it is time to call in some professional assistance. May I suggest first a visit to an MD for a short-term prescription to help ease the syptoms until a licensed counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist can be found to help y'all work this through.
You don't have to go through this alone.