My husband and our GF have alone time tonight. I screwed up estimating the time on dinner and that resulted in them having it until 10 pm, which is about an hour later than it normally would be. She goes to bed at 10:30, so that means I get basically no time with her tonight.
They've done nothing wrong, but I'm still irritated. He gave us an hour extra yesterday during our time (which is not normally on weekends, but was being made up). We needed it for reasons I won't go into, but we had great time. He and I were home alone all day... it was boring. He sprang something on me ten min after I woke regarding plans for the day... and it meant busy work all day long, but it was something I know needed doing. It was just sort of dumped on me without warning, which I wasn't thrilled about (and he and I discussed that, because at ten min after waking up he didn't get the best reception to that, lol).
On top of that, I knew she was going to be working overtime this week, but they were discussing it and they only mentioned Thursday - I thought it was all she could get. But it's actually every night except tonight (because they had to pay OT and holiday pay since it's labor day here in the US). So it impacts my alone time with her later this week, but not his tonight... which again, is not a huge thing, especially since she and I had the extra hour yesterday, but it's also not something I was thrilled to find out about when I first woke up. Plus, it's an issue they need to work on - they tend to discuss things that involve us all and forget to clue me in. Both of them have horrible memories, so it's not shocking, and it's not like it hasn't happened with me and her to him or me and him to her... but it happens more for them, especially now that I am working because they talk on the phone during the day, and I can't talk at work at all, really.
So, I guess there were just a few minor irritations and now when she's done I'll barely get to see her... and if he goes to bed when she does, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep yet (which sucks - I am awful at sleeping).
I suppose between my screw up with dinner, the miscommunication with him and me on the chore for today and them not filling me in on her schedule, it was all just enough to get on my nerves. I *know* I am being stupid and silly. I just wish I wasn't feeling bratty.
Anyway... I just figured I'd vent here rather than take my mood out on them when they are done in an hour or so. I don't begrudge them the time... I'm just feeling sorry for myself, it seems.
Okay, here's the thing... I still deal with a tremendous amount of anxiety when they are doing alone time. I recognize it as important. I want it with both of them. I want them to have it with each other... but I'm still struggling with it on some level that is really frustrating for me.
I admit that sex is part of it... mostly the "will they or won't they" factor. I don't know why. I assume they will, as they do most times. She and I have been most times lately, so it's not like it's unbalanced... although, on his end it has been, as a previous post of mine indicates. However, he and I are going back to scheduled alone time, so that should hopefully help to balance that out...
I can't really explain what I feel. It's not jealousy. I'm not worried (anymore) that they sit there and talk shit about me. I admit to envy over the sex because it rules out sex for all three of us or for me and either of them. It goes back to the whole highest sex drive thing and feeling taken for granted as a sure thing... let's face it, when there's a lot of something to go around, it's usually the less desired thing. I want sex more than either of them, so I think neither of them really build up a whole lot of wanting me. She does more than him, I think... but I guess on some level that makes sense, because he's having sex with two people of the same gender... while I get that it's very different because we're very different women, it's *still* not AS different...
So, I get this overwhelming anxiety during their alone time every single freakin' week. I am hoping it will get better now that he and I are back to having a scheduled alone time. I just can't explain it, and I don't want to dump this on them because I know it will weigh on their minds when they're doing alone time... and that's just not fair. If I *knew* what the issue was, I might consider talking to them. I don't even really know what it is.
I admit to abandonment issues, so that's possibly part of it. I also tend to feel anxiety about situations I am not in control of, and obviously I have no control whatsoever over what they choose to do with their alone time (nor should I). He's happy with me and her having time. He has no envy (well, maybe a bit over the multiple orgasms, lol). He has no insecurities where she and I are concerned.
I don't worry that she's better than I am. I've talked to both of them extensively about that, because I did worry for a while, but I've come to see it as comparing a sports car to an SUV. Both are vehicles that will get you there, but they have very little in common in terms of how they handle or what they're best for... he liked this analogy when I gave it to him.
There are things *I* do compare... I guess some comparison is inevitable. He told me initially he didn't care for her kissing style, even though he loves kissing her. Since then they've sort of met in the middle (and he and I noticed independently of each other that our own kissing style has changed). She and I never had that issue, as she seemed to kiss me quite differently from the way she kissed him. So maybe because there are things I know I compare, I worry they do, too... however, I also recognize that while I compare it I don't want to do those things any less with one of them because they don't do it the same way... so why should I assume that's true of me?
I know this is still early on. I've been a bit spoiled by being my husband's whole world for nine years. So I guess it's inevitable that I might have some issues. There are times when I think I am being too hard on myself... I feel what I feel, after all. There are other times when I just want to kick myself for being bratty and for letting ridiculous stuff get to me.
This is an issue that falls somewhere in between those reactions because I am *not* sure what the trigger is... I just hope it gets easier as time goes on.
Okay, enough venting. Gonna spend time with him before bed. Thanks for reading.
Last edited by Karelia; 09-08-2009 at 04:32 AM.