Originally Posted by Ceoli
Speaking as someone who is the outsider coming into a relationship with a couple, keep in mind that when these issues arise, it can be very hard on the third and ultimately that person stands to lose the most if things end up not working out.
This is a good reason for trying to sort that stuff out before bringing another heart into it.
I agree... in our case, everyone new about my issues. What we didn't know was that I would spend six weeks crazy out of my mind thanks to a nasty side effect of a drug I was on to help fibromyalgia... or that to compound that, my thyroid would act up. If not for the timing on that, I believe her early weeks living with us would've been a lot smoother... but then again, she has some issues of her own she needs to work out, and I think my problems sort of made hers invisible. Now that my head is much better, we're seeing more of those issues.
What I thought of most in the early days was that if my problems caused her to want to leave or him to decide it wasn't worth risking our marriage, a) she'd have given up a lot to be with us only to be back where she was, and completely alone and b) I'd have taken them away from each other, which would've crushed me. I was so screwed up at the time that I failed to see that she wouldn't want to lose me, either and I wouldn't want to lose her. But there is no doubt that the third coming into what had been two has the most to lose in nearly every situation.
Everyone has baggage. I don't care how well-adjusted you are, or how amazing your marriage is, there's always baggage. Some you share as a couple, and some is individual. When a third person enters with his or her own baggage, it's going to cause some issues to be stirred up... it's got to be the rare case where that doesn't happen.
If you are patient, there is enough love, and you all want it badly enough and work for it as a triple, as couples within the triad and as individuals, I believe you can work through these things.