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Old 02-07-2011, 12:27 AM
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MMMark MMMark is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 10

Sunday, February 06, 2011 19:27 EST
. post #5

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
To continue with your example, I've not ever thought "This one is much better at fucking than that one" and then spend less time naked with the latter.
Admittedly, my example wasn't very good. I think what I was getting at was something more like this:

Harriet loves Arthur, but finds that he tends to interrupt her during conversations. She allows him to do this, preferring not to be confrontational. Harriet meets Andrew one day and these two also form a relationship. Andrew is a superb conversationalist and listener, and he never interrupts Harriet. She finally sees what good conversation really is, and the next time Arthur interrupts her, she admonishes him. She is no longer willing to put up with Arthur's rude interruptions. So, Harriet's relationship with Andrew has affected her relationship with Arthur.

Again, this is fictitious, and I could invent lots of different examples. The examples are meant to show that a person can't (in my opinion) avoid having one relationship affected by the other, if for no other reason than it affects (HER), and she is part of BOTH relationships.

Here's another example:

Let's suppose that only one person addressed the issue I raised. Isn't it at least possible that, as additional responses from different people are posted, my assessment of the original response is potentially affected? What I'm suggesting, in general, is that as additional possibilities become available to us, the values we attach to the existing possibilities, and the order in which we arrange these values, can potentially be affected.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
...I do notice differences. Its hard not to.
Right, I agree. How could we not notice differences (and, for that matter, similarities)? And is it reasonable to expect that such knowledge would have no effect whatsoever on us?

Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
As for relatinshionships being independent...that totally depends on the people. Some v's resemble emotional triads...some resemble two absolutely distinct mono relationships...its too varied to count.
I understand. I only chose the "Vee" relationship as the simplest example of "polyamory in practice" I can imagine. My thinking was that if the principle applies in the simplest case, it will also apply in more complex arrangements.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I find it really useful when having issues in one relationship my other partner reminds me that they are similar in a way and that this is what would work for them.
Read this several times, but I don't follow. Could you please rephrase it for me?

Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I'm not sure if I'm making much sense here.
Not only did your entire post make sense to me, it is quite close to what my beliefs are.

Originally Posted by sage View Post
Most relationship adds something to your life so how can a loving one not affect you, which in turn will affect the way you are in your other relationship?
Yes. For me at least, this is the essence of it, the crucial concept. Because YOU are affected, anything connected with you is ALSO affected. This seems logical and inescapable to me.

Originally Posted by sage View Post
What interests me though is what is really underlying your question?
Underlying the question were some insecurities I was experiencing (not sexual ones, necessarily). My friend, who until recently has been mono, told me that her relationship with me would not in any way be affected by her relationship with her other lover (who provides her with a much greater number of "connections"* than I think I ever could). Prior to her "opening up," however, she had told me that when in a happy mono relationship, she never had thoughts about or attractions to any other man, because the fact she was happy prevented her from considering any other lovers, even potentially.

This worries me, because she seems to avow two diametrically opposite claims:
1. One relationship ISN'T affected by another one.
2. One relationship IS affected by another one.

* I'm using the word "connections" in the sense presented on pp 23-24 of the book Love Unlimited:
Interpersonal connections

1. Emotional
2. Physical
3. Recreational
4. Economic
5. Family
6. Spiritual
7. Intellectual
8. Passionate
9. Cultural
10. Esthetic

Last edited by MMMark; 02-07-2011 at 12:47 AM. Reason: corrected typographical error, reworded a passage for greater clarity
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