The house is so quiet when RC is away. One might say that it is not quiet because she is away, but because I am quiet when she is away. And they would be right. There are a million things I could do to bring Music into this moment. Instruments litter the living room and my iTunes library is overflowing. There is a fucking 100 year old piano 15 feet away, but I have no interest in playing it. What I want most is to feel secure right now. And I don't.
This forum has been a Godsend at times. You people have offered so much love and support that I feel like I should honor you by gushing stories of growth and compersion everyday. And I want to. But my everyday is not that way. It's a struggle. Everyday. I continue this journey because I believe in the ability to love without limits. Though, ironically enough, I haven't found that place within myself. We live by lofty ideals. We preach communication at all costs. We make this choice and believe in it's merits to the point of pushing ourselves well past what was once comfortable.
I am tired.
There are times when the light at the end of the tunnel is no more than a pinhole. So far away and shrouded by darkness that it's hard to imagine it's anything more than another train headed straight for you.
It's time for me to put the brakes on making "polyamory" work in my life. Now is the time to simply make my life more workable. For this web of love to be possible, I can't just expect time to pass and my jealousy to recede. I need to stomp out the daemons that keep me from living the life I deserve. Self-worth, security, compassion, confidence, strength. Those are not lofty ideals. Those are the bedrocks of love. The seeds of a life well lived.
I love my wife to no end. I would give her anything I am capable of giving. But I can not continue living with this constant hurt. There is still a mountain of fight left in me. I am no where near giving up. Not by a long shot. The work does not frighten me. I am ready for it. What frightens me is that I have gone this far without having done it already. I guess that's called hubris. I was so convinced that we could handle this that I didn't stop to think if I could. And now we are well past the point of no return. I could ask her to end her relationship today and she would do it. But I could never ask her to stop loving someone. Especially someone that fills her with such joy.