Okay, wow.. big steps made this weekend I think. I'm feeling the NRE coming on big time, mixed with guilt, pleasure, normalcy, awkwardness, happiness...
J came over last night as planned, it was a really long week. Our communication through text isn't very efficient, and I wasn't really sure what he was thinking or feeling. I was looking forward to spending some time with him to talk and get some things out there on the table.
Hubby ended up not having to work on Friday so what was originally going to be some one on one time, ended up not really being so, but that's okay. It worked out, and I still had my two favorite guys with me!
The night started off pretty much identical to last weekend, except I made a really big mistake. Hubby had left J and I to talk and have some intimate time. We did talk, and he did tell me that he feels a connection with me, and is wanting to work towards a more stable relationship even though there is always that possibility of him finding his "person". I told him I just wanted to stay in the loop so I could be prepared for when that happened, but for now... I wanted to cherish what we (all) have together. I felt this insane closeness and I went out to ask hubby if he would give me the okay to change the "no intercourse" boundary. He said no, and that it really upset him that I would ask and that it makes him question the trust issue. I apologized, and told him that I was asking because I would never do anything to break our trust, and neither would J. J didn't even know I was out there asking.
I went back in the room with J and we spent more time together, which I think ended up being more like 30 minutes or so. No boundaries were broken. J went to take a shower and I came out to check on hubby. I sat in his lap and hugged him and he started to cry saying that he didn't think he could do this. That he spent the entire time out here with his mind racing about what we were doing in there, but he didn't want to go in and check either. I told him exactly what went on, and hugged and kissed him and told him how much he meant to me and that I know how hard it is for him, and I can't even begin to explain the appreciation I have for him doing all of this for me to feel right. All at the same time I felt horrible pangs of guilt for feeling this way, I felt wonderful for the strides I made with J, I felt like it was all coming crashing down only moments after it felt like it was getting somewhere.
Thankfully J came out and he hugged hubby, and reassured him that he would never allow those boundaries to be broken, that he loves him, and us as a family. We all talked about it for a long while until the storm passed. The guys hugged, we had a group hug. Then somehow we all ended up back in bed... ha.
We all hung out a little longer, at one point I went to bed but woke up shortly after hearing the guys talking about things. I was listening and while I really wanted to elaborate on some of the things hubby was saying, I stayed out of it and let them have their words. When hubby came to bed, we hugged and kissed, and I asked him if he would mind if I went and spent some time with J, just because our time that we get to spend together is much more infrequent than what I get with hubby. One of the boundaries is that if hubby is available, that I spend that time with him, but was unclear how it applied when we were all together. Hubby said that was fine, so I went and snuggled and talked with J some more.
All in all, it was a wonderful time, I felt like we got a lot more out there on the table, and we are all learning and coping with how things are evolving. I'm happy, and trying to take everything in that I can about the moments that I get with both men. I feel like my relationship with hubby only gets stronger, and the one with J is actually making a turn towards how I envision my life with these two.
*smiles* My heart... it's happy.