"And another important thing is that J. and I promised to never let our primary partners have the power to end our relationship. It only stops if J. and I want it to stop. J. and I needed that promise to feel safe, trusting and secure in our relationship."
I think that is beautiful. I never even considered making that promise with my OSO, but I've felt a desire to do so! How loving, to protect his feelings, too!
I have cut things off with him before, and left him sort of lost and wondering, missing me and wishing we could at least TALK. The hard part is, he and my husband are best friends, and I don't want them to have hard feelings if it is my husband who is struggling. I also don't want to make my husband look bad, like, "I'm feeling jealous and threatened by you, man".... I always want my OSO to think everything is ok, so he won't feel guilty about being with his best friend's wife! Sometimes I'm afraid my OSO will call it off, to avoid hurting his friend!
Communication really is important, but it gets awfully complex when there are more than 2 (which is hard enough, right?!)
I am a classic people-pleaser, so I have to resist worrying too much what is going on in everyone else's head! And yet, still be sensitive...
This is tough stuff! I really think poly calls you to a higher level of honesty. It is very challenging! But -- here I am, right?? Here WE are!! What a boat