I am feeling your pain, it must be breaking your heart not to be able to speak to your beloved. I've been there. My husband is so afraid of losing me -- but when he restricts me from loving, he IS losing me, on the inside
Fortunately we are in a better space today, but this journey has had its rough spots, for sure. Sometimes I truly wish I had never fallen for the other man -- but then I remember that old saying, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." So true.
You are not alone -- so many of us here have gone through much of what you are experiencing. That's why I keep coming here -- it helps. Oh -- and my husband also gets freaked by some of the stuff on here! Everyone's situation is unique, and no one really knows what's best for you. I just like reading other people's stories and realizing I'm not alone. I'm learning to "take what you like, and leave the rest."
I'm a midwestern mama too -- in Ohio, maybe we're neighbors?