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Old 02-04-2011, 08:17 AM
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greeneyes greeneyes is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Central FL
Posts: 27
Default very interesting...

... Hello, Loving Radiance :-)

I think that in my post the nebulous "poly stuff" I had in my mind were some things I had remembered reading about jealousy, etc. on Franklin Leveaux's site, which I've seen mirrored on this forum to a certain degree and which have also been reflected in the thoughts of one of our close friends who is also poly, and has been a member of the community for quite some time.

I agree with what your saying, about nobody having any right to mandate what another person does. I wanted to comment on this particular part:

"But it's not reasonable when a person takes their own "limitations" and attempts to press them upon someone else's actions/behaviors. "

My question here is, who or what is the ultimate arbiter of what is reasonable, or unreasonable, and is that reasonable-ness applied equally on both sides of the debate?

It seems to be a widely accepted theory that love-styles happen to a person, there is a lot of talk of "hard-wiring." I don't necessarily believe that the precise ways that a person expresses love or the need for love are programmed into DNA. Human brains are much more adaptable than that, from what I can tell. Sometimes I read what people are saying here about both monogamy and polyamory and it sounds like they are describing "afflictions" because they "have no control" or they "have no choice" in how they love other people.

Every case is different, and in any event that a person is threatened with harm or mental abuse, that is a very oppressive form of control. It's incredibly harmful. However, folks seem to be pretty naturally inclined to try and manipulate (in the mechanical sense of the word) stuff so that their basic survival needs can be met. In some folks this - instinct?- manifests itself in really wretched ways. In other folks it expresses itself in fairly productive ways. (I mean, if you are riding a bicycle you want to maintain some kind of control if you don't want road-rash.)

When 2 folks (or more!) get together, they cohabitate or just maintain relationships between one another, some kind of manipulation (again in the purely mechanical sense) is always going on. In my mind, a poly person's reasoning of "I just can't help it" isn't any more valid than a mono person's "I just can't help it," and vice versa. The science doesn't seem to be there to uphold one over the other as some kind of genetic condition- these are very abstract concepts, human creations. I have a lot of respect for the folks on here with mono/poly relationships that seem to be working out well... it shows some very deep commitment to people in a general sense. But I tend to think that choice is there for the poly as much as it is for the mono...

I mean on Franklin's page he talks about monogamy being primarily based on fear and the need for control. I could just as easily see polyamory being based on fear and a need for control as well, just different kinds of fear and different kinds of control, if that makes sense.

Sorry to ramble. But it's very thought-provoking, this discussion :-D
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